Nebulous Mooch

Have you ever wanted something really badly, but been unable to have it? When I was a kid I really wanted a monkey. I’d even heard that you could train your pet monkey to change its own diapers and I thought that was pretty cool. I don’t know why you couldn’t just train it to use the toilet. Anyway, I wanted a monkey so badly and my parents just weren’t having it.

“Those are evil animals,” my father told me like he’d had personally experience with monkeys. He seemed so sure about it  that I wondered if a monkey had killed his best friend and stolen his girl when he was in high school. “We’re not having one of those things in this house. They stink.”

That meant no monkey for me. When that was finally made clear my desire turned to disdain. I decided to hate monkeys which is funny really. How can you possibly hate a monkey? They have such cute little faces. They do such entertaining things like dance and juggle. You can dress them up in outfits. They can even wear hats and sunglasses.

If there was ever a monkey on TV I’d change the channel. I would never watch a movie that featured a monkey, chimp or orangutan. Looking back this was a wise decision. I think that a monkey in a movie is just a desperate attempt by film makers to keep viewers from noticing how bad the script and actors are.

Producer: Do you think the audience will be annoyed when they realize they sat through two hours of story just to find out it’s all a dream?

Director: Not at all. I mean Hulk Hogan has the dynamic range and acting chops to really make the main character come alive.

Producer: Maybe we should put a monkey in it just to be sure.

Director: Great idea. Everyone loves monkeys!

Now that I’m an adult I could have a pet monkey if I really wanted one, but somehow the whole idea has lost its appeal. I no longer hate monkeys. I believe that monkeys are just as good as cats or dogs. Maybe they’re even better because they have cute little hands and opposable thumbs. The two men I live with already make it hard enough to keep the bathroom clean. Imagine how bad the toilet would look if a monkey were using it too.

First photo:  mape_s’

Second photo: Public domain

My husband has been playing for this show called “Monkey: A Modern Beijing Opera.” It features two violinists, smoke machines and space age outfits. Last week, I finally got to see this mysterious production. I had no idea what it would be like because when my husband practices it, he listens to the music through the headphones. I knew he had to sing backing vocals though. Sometimes when he was practicing, I’d hear him sing, “Martial arts master,” or “Monkey, monkey,” or just laughing crazily. I love to see any concert that he has to sing in.

I like to go to concerts to see what kind of people attend these events. This concert was in a tiny theater designed by very short people. The seats were so close together that even my knees hit the back of the seat in front of me. All around me were people who weren’t Chinese talking excitedly about some connection they had to China.

“Oh I was in China just last week and…”

“The last time I saw a Chinese opera…”

“My friend Mei Ling…”

“I ate fried rice for dinner tonight…”

My stepson who is particularly fond of Chinese propaganda songs kept trying to sing one to me much to my distress. I’m easily embarrassed in public.

At last, it was time for the show to start. Before dimming the lights they announced that all photography is strictly prohibited in the theater. Normally, I don’t like breaking the rules, but the violinists asked me to take pictures of the show. As soon as it was dark, I took my camera from my purse and tried to sneakily take some pictures. My camera is not made for this sort of thing so the pictures aren’t great.

I forgot to mention that he gets to wear a mask for the concert too. He’s the one with the bass. I guess he didn’t practice his backing vocals enough because the sound guy turned down his vocal mic during the show and I couldn’t hear anything he sang.