There She is, Miss America


I grew up just outside of Atlantic City with its casinos, boardwalks, beaches, and most importantly the Miss America Pageant. When I was a little girl, I just knew I’d be Miss America one day. My third grade teacher told me so, and everything she told me was absolutely true.

Even at a young age I knew that you couldn’t accomplish anything without practice. That’s why I spent two years in intensive training to become Miss America. I had a routine that I would do secretly in my room. Even though I’d never watched the Miss America Pageant straight through, I was pretty sure I knew what was required to win the crown.

I know that most of you are probably not eight year old girls, but despite that, you may still dream of one day being the one who wins the crown. If you do, like me you’ll have to practice. Now I’m going to dig back into my knowledge vault to help you out. This is what you need to be able to do to become Miss America.

You need a killer walk. Just like a model a pageant contestant does a lot of walking back and forth on stage. That’s why your walk has to be just right. I suggest that you throw in a little extra swagger to make yourself stand out to the judges. Some crotch grabbing might be appropriate too–Michael Jackson style crotch grabbing. Beauty contestant judges love that.

Learn to dance. There’s always some kind of choreographed routine at the beginning of the pageant. If you can’t get that right you have no chance at winning. We can’t have someone with two left feet representing the country. Don’t know how to dance? Don’t worry. She can help.

Get some talent. Everyone knows that you’ve got to have talent to be Miss America. No, putting Vaseline on your teeth so you can smile for days is not a talent. My talent is singing. I’m especially good at changing key multiple times in one song. Too bad the accompanying music never seems to change key with me. If you can’t sing that’s fine. Try something like hula hooping or blowing spit bubbles.

Learn to speak in complete sentences. For goodness sakes, learn to answer questions on the spot in a reasonable manner on a stage in front of thousands of people. We don’t want anything like this happening to you.

Poor Miss South Carolina. I get crazy stage fright so I probably wouldn’t have done any better.

I hope these tips help you wear the crown one day. Take it from me all your hard work will be worth it. After my years of practice I finally did make it to the Miss America Pageant–to watch it from the nosebleed section. It’s a lot easier to figure out what’s going on when you watch it on TV.