A Special Offer

So I got an email from my internet provider the other day, and I was excited to open it because it said it contained a special offer. I was hoping that they’d decided to provide me with a lifetime of free massages and fancy imported cheeses. No luck. Instead they were offering me cable with DVR, internet, and phone service for the low price of $119 a month. I laughed out loud when I read it.

Who uses a phone anymore? Except for me. I think we’re the only people in the world under 75 who has a home number.

Who watches TV anymore? Except for me on Sundays at my parents house.

Who uses the internet? … well actually just about everybody.

$119 a month just doesn’t seem like a great offer to me. They have to do a bit better than that. I’m already annoyed that I’m paying $50 a month for internet. In the UK I only paid 11 pounds a month. British internet providers spoiled me.

When I moved into this house I thought I’d be able to shop around for internet. I think shopping around is suppose to be a big part of what makes a capitalist society work, but I was told that only one company provided internet in my neighborhood. It was the company I hate most … well second most my most hated company is actually Verizon … and Walmart … and Halliburton … and Monsanto … and … Anyway, it was a company I hate because their commercials are always a million times louder than anything else on the television.

Now we’re stuck together. Me and my internet provider are like two peas in a pod. I pretend to like them. I smile at them when they give me special offers while I curse them under my breath.

Have you heard about the Outernet? Now that’s the business. You can read about it here. Once they get their satellites launched they’ll be offering free internet to everybody. That sounds promising. If they can figure out how to offer free massages and White Stilton Gold to everybody too, I’ll be all in.

Life Without Internet is Like Stabbing Myself in the Eye with a Pencil

life-without-internet

As I write this post I am suffering one of the greatest hardships known to modern humankind. I have no internet. I called my internet provider and heard a happy little message about how there is an interruption of service in my area, but it should be restored within two hours.

Two hours!? I sat with the phone against my ear wondering how my new computerized phone buddy could be so cheerful at a time like this. How will I see Lady Gaga’s VMA performance without the interwebs? How will I keep up with the Tweets on the Twitter? How will I know that the world continues to exist? How will I not shrivel into at lonely forgotten ball of emptiness?

I can hear my stepson cooking his breakfast and I think, who eats at a time like this? Who eats when what you should be doing is laying on your bed in fetal position sobbing? “Interwebs, oh interwebs it’s been thirty whole minutes and I miss you so,” I lament. The dog opens his eyes and sighs. I know he just wants me to shut up so he can continue his nap, but he’s only napping because it’s hard to use a computer when you have paws.

That’s when I had a brilliant idea. Why not use this time without distraction to do something useful, like meditate. Okay, that’s not necessarily useful, but it’s something.

But wait … I can’t meditate because I need someone to guide me through a meditation and all of those people live in the You Tube which I can’t get to because I have no interwebs. “Life is so hard without the internet,” I say with my head in my hands.

I guess I could read a book, or take a nap, or … I’ve got nothing. That’s a problem isn’t it. I’m not too worried about it though because the longest two hours ever should be over in what feels like five million years, and then I can get on with my life.

Before and After

If you spend any time on the internet you’ve seen the before and after pictures on weight loss ads that seem to appear on every website I look at these days. They promise you that you can loose lots of weight if you follow some special diet plan, take weight loss pills, or consume acai berries. I love these ads and often find myself clicking on them just to see what their claims are.

The before and after pictures are the best part. Most of the time, I don’t even think the same people are featured in the the before and after photos. That’s a pretty amazing weight loss pill if it helps you loose 50 pound and changes your bone structure all at the same time.

The other day I saw this picture on an ad on a site.

stomachYou can’t even tell if these are the same people. They don’t even bother showing her face in the first picture. I wonder why. Even if it is the same person what changed really. She stopped sticking out her belly, put on a shirt that covered her midsection, and then carefully camouflaged her stomach with an After sign.