Nebulous Mooch

You might notice that the mention of holidays is almost completely absent from The Mooch. That’s because I’m just not that into them. Why does almost every holiday involve cooking a complicated meal? I can’t stand that. Who cares if you have turkey for Thanksgiving or ham for Easter or whatever people eat on Christmas on Christmas? Actually, I know a ton of people care. I’m just not one of them.

You would think that I would love Halloween because it doesn’t involve hours in the kitchen and you get to wear a funny outfit. The thing is as a child the idea of walking around at night knocking on people’s doors and asking for candy made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I was a scaredy cat as a child. That’s not a Halloween costume, it’s a condition, like Lupus but a lot less serious. The only holiday more terrifying than Halloween was Christmas. I never trust a man in a funny outfit that wants me to sit on his lap.

Even though I’m not celebrating, I hope you all have a happy Halloween. Enjoy your candy and outfit while you can because tomorrow you’ll have to where normal clothes and you’ll probably have a stomachache. Wait … that wasn’t very nice. Let’s try that again. Happy Halloween!!! Don’t think about the root canal you’ll need in a few months. That wasn’t very nice either. Happy Halloween, and I’m have nothing more to say because I really do know when to keep my mouth shut.

Photo by Sandy Son of Robert

When I was young, I never really liked Halloween. My mother had a paper sari and usually wrapped me up in it, put a dot on my forehead and called me Indira Gandhi. When I told the other kids what my custume was, they’d look at me like I was speaking a foreign language. When I stood at their doors wrapped in my green paper sari with my crooked pigtails, adults always said, “Look, an Indian princess!”

I’d respond with indignation. “No. I’m Indira Gandhi, the former Prime Minister of India.”

“Very good,” they’d say, as they dropped handfuls of Tootsie Rolls and Dumdums into my pillowcase.

I always seemed to get more Tootsie Rolls than anything else. I didn’t even like Tootsie Rolls. My father made out best during Halloween. He loved Tootsie Rolls.

One Halloween, I saw a news report about bad guys putting razor blades in apples and sewing needles in candy bars. That year, I eyed the people dropping candy into my pillowcase suspiciously. I only ate the hard candy and lollipops, and let my sister and father eat the rest. I watched them eat chocolate bars and taffy and waited for them to gag and spit up blood. Luckily, that didn’t happen, and I was able to return to my normal candy consumption the following year.

Now I rarely dress up for Halloween. I’m one of those people who turns off all the lights and hides out from trick or treaters. I wouldn’t want anyone to accuse me of putting a sewing needle in their Tootsie Roll.