Live from the Grammys

I’m writing this from the Grammys. I don’t know if you noticed me, but I was the dude in the clown mask on the red carpet. Since this blog has increased in popularity over the years, I’ve found it helpful to disguise myself as a white man in a clown mask when I go out in public. It confuses my throngs of adoring fans and allows me to live a somewhat normal life. Well, as normal a life as a person in a creepy clown mask can have.

Here’s a little advice from me to you. It’s best to remove your mask when going to the bank or the local 7-11. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve been greeted by people dropping to their knees, holding their hands in the air, and saying things like, “You can take all of the money just don’t shoot me.” Come to think of it, that’s probably more because of the gun I’m carrying than the mask. Or maybe it’s a combination of the two that makes people assume that I’m serious when I slide them a note that says “This is a hold up.”

People just don’t know how to take a joke anymore. I remember the good old days when you could stick a gun in a stranger’s back and end up having a laugh together over a pizza a few minutes later. The stranger would pay for the lunch of course, because I did have the gun … and the mask. People are so closed off from each other these days and so afraid of getting shot. It must be because they just watch way too much news. You know what I say, “All news and no episodes of Bad Boys will make you really jumpy.” Okay I never say that, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, the Grammys were a blast. I especially enjoyed the part when Daft Punk let me switch out my clown mask for a robot mask and sit in on the drums. You didn’t know I played drums, did you? That’s because I didn’t until last week.

If someone in a clown mask gets in line behind you in the grocery store, don’t let the gun in your back put you off. It’s probably just me trying to get you to buy me lunch.

Sitting Around Watching the Grammys

I pulled myself out of my internet cave for a few hours the other day to watch the Grammys. I don’t usually watch award shows. Actually, that’s not completely true. I don’t usually admit to watching award shows. I have a reputation to maintain. I’m not sure what that reputation is exactly, but I think it has something to do with not watching award shows and excelling at darts.

The most shocking thing about the Grammys, besides Frank Ocean’s terrible performance, is that I have no idea who Frank Ocean is, or most anyone else on the show. Is this how you know you’re getting old? My gray hairs should’ve given me a clue or the fact that the year I was born keeps seeming to get further and further away.

I don’t feel old though. I can still do one almost push-up and my mind is as sharp as a tack. Just the other day while I was looking for the car keys that were in the pocket of the pants I was wearing I was thinking about how sharp I am. It’s all that time I spend blankly staring off into space that keeps my mind fit.

Sitting around staring at a computer screen all day helps too. I could be the national sitting around champion if they ever started that competition. With the right lighting it could be just as exciting as the Grammys.