Nebulous Mooch

I’ve worn glasses since I was 9 years old. That means I’ve spend 15 years of my life wearing glasses. That’s a long time. (Some people are probably trying to figure out if I’m really bad at math,  lying about my age or just a lot younger than I look right now. I’m not going to tell you the answer.)

Over the years I’ve had lots of different styles of glasses from giant round ones that take up two thirds of my face to tiny square ones that give me just a sliver of lens to look through.  I’ve even tried wearing contacts. That was pretty successful. It only took me a week to get one of the lenses stuck my eyeball and completely panic. After that I decided I look better in glasses.

My husband recently got lasik eye surgery to correct his vision. I have to admit that I was a little jealous at first. If I didn’t wear glasses that would mean I could wear all kinds of stylish sunglasses. I could have a whole collection of different sunglasses looks. I know that makes no sense–I don’t want to wear glasses so I can wear glasses–but it’s true.

When my husband had to put 563 million drops in his eyes after the surgery I stopped being jealous. I just don’t deal well with eye drops. I don’t deal well with someone using a laser to cut into my eye while I’m awake and looking at them either. Maybe I’m just too sensitive.  Maybe I deserve a new pair of glasses.

My stepson has been having problems reading at school. He’s been complaining of headaches and eye strain, so it was time to take him to the eye doctor. Of course, he needed glasses. Jealous of all the glasses wearing going on in the family, my husband got his eyes checked too. We all knew that my husband needed glasses. He used to have some that he never wore. When we moved we found them under the computer desk with the lenses so scratched no one would ever be able to see out of them. So, he threw them away.

We all have very different approaches to wearing glasses.

Wearing glasses is old hat for me. I’ve done it since I was in 4th grade. My lenses are constantly smeared and smudged and I just ignore it. I’ve learned to see around the smudges. I only clean my glasses about once a week. I figure why even bother, they just get smudged again in a few minutes.

Since my husband’s gotten his new glasses, he spends more time looking at himself in the mirror saying things like, “I really look good in glasses.” He keeps his glasses very clean. He’s always cleaning them. If even the tiniest smudge appears on them, he cleans it off immediately. “How can you see out of those things,” he often says to me while closely examining my glasses.

My stepson’s method for dealing with his glasses is the most unusual. When he does wear them–which is almost never–he puts them up to his eyes while holding the arms. He rarely ever lets them rest on his face. Instead, he holds them up off of his nose takes a quick look at something then quickly removes them, returns them to their case and shoves the case in his pocket. He treats them like some kind of disease.

The reason he was having problems reading is because his bad vision is straining his eyes. If he wore his glasses all the time, he wouldn’t have this problem reading, but of course he won’t wear them. Instead, he’s gotten some reading glasses somehow, from somewhere–the kind of reading glasses  old people buy from the drugstore. He insists on wearing those to read because his eyes are bothering him. His eyes wouldn’t bother him if he wore his glasses, but you can’t tell him anything.

Now that we’re all bespectacled we can go out together as one big, happy nerdy chic family. Some of us are nerdier than others. And some of us are chicer than others. But we can still all get along.