When I went to take the dog for a walk this morning an animal control truck was parked right outside my house. Chompy didn’t seem to care, but when I saw it I just knew I was in big trouble. I don’t know why I always assume that I’m in trouble. I guess I just have a guilty conscious, but expected the animal control officer to snag me and throw me into one of those little cages in the back of the truck.
Later, during the walk I had to walk by a motorcycle cop who I was convinced would arrest. If he did arrest me would that mean I’d have to ride on the back of his motorcycle to the station? I’m not sure if that would be good or bad.
Anyway, I know that most of you are probably just as afraid of being picked up by animal control as I am. So here are some tips to make sure you don’t get shipped off to the pound.
1. Avoid walking around your neighborhood. They’re looking for stray animals. Do your best not to look like a stray by driving everywhere. If you do have to walk for some reason put on a leash. Then the animal control officer will know that you belong to someone.
2. Don’t pee on any fire hydrants. I know the temptation is great, but lifting your leg to pee in public is the quickest way to get mistaken for a dog. Fight the urge. I’m sure you can hold it until you get home.
3. Don’t wear that dog costume you bought for Halloween around the neighborhood. Costumes are for Halloween. Wearing it on any other day will just get you into a mess of trouble.
4. If an animal control officer does approach you stay calm and make sure you enunciate your words clearly when you speak. Everyone knows that dogs tend to garble their words.
5. Steer clear of cats. They’re nothing but trouble. If anyone is going to report you to animal control it will be the cat that lives three doors down and pretends to like you. He’ll anonymously report you in a minute and if you confront him on it, he’ll never admit it.