I’m a Winner

I always say that I hate contests, but the truth is the only reason I hate them is because I never win them. Well, I can’t say that anymore because just last week I stopped being a loser and started being a winner.

I’m not just talking about becoming the International World State Pushup Champion. That win came on the heels of my first win, the win that turned my life around. I won a contest sponsored by Southernerds. Here I am with all of my winnings.


Yes, I have swag and you don’t. Don’t worry though, you can buy your own nerdy swag on their website. It won’t be as good as mine though because you bought yours, but you can pretend.

I know some of you out there have never been winners. No, winning a three legged race when you were in fourth grade doesn’t count because you had to share the prize with someone else, and I saw you trip the other team just inches from the finish line.

Since you haven’t been a winner before you’re probably wondering how it feels. There’s only one way to describe it. It feels gosh darn amazing.

I Hate Contests

There must be something wrong with me. I probably didn’t have to tell you that, did I?

Seriously though, I question my normalcy because it seems to me that most people are really into contests. People will post about, Tweet about, or Face about (Is that how you refer to putting things on Facebook?) anything if it means they might win a $10 gift certificate to Walmart or a free Swiffer Wetjet mop.

I’m not complaining about this because of my theory about Walmart being owned by the Devil (he’s at least a majority shareholder) or because the Swiffer Wetjet is a sub par cleaning device made by evil little trolls (not that I anything against evil little trolls. Some of my best friends are evil little trolls.). I’m complaining because I don’t like being invited to post about pointless contests. If I really wanted a Swiffer Wetjet I’d go out and buy one. I wouldn’t enter a contest and hope that I’ll be the one person and five million to win. My floors are dirty because I wasn’t the lucky person who won that Swiffer Wetjet. Oh wait, my floors are dirty because I already have a Swiffer Wetjet and it’s a piece of crap.

Anyway, much to my surprise in a moment of temporary insanity I entered two contests yesterday. I won’t tell you what they were because I probably won’t win. The only thing I’ve ever won was … I can’t think of anything at all.

By the way Walmart and Swiffer Wetjet are not having any contests right now that I’m aware of so don’t go rushing over to their Facebook pages to enter. I just used them as random examples because I dislike them. Walmart, which was obviously created in the fiery depths of hell, is much worse than Swiffer. Swiffer is only mildly annoying because their mop leaves a streaky floor and their ads make it look like mopping is fun. Mopping has never been fun.