Repair Your Laptop in Six Easy Steps

My head was swirling with brilliant ideas last night. I couldn’t wait to get up and hit the ground running because that’s what hardworking go-getters like myself do. Too bad the universe was conspiring against me.

When you work online having a reliable internet connection is kind of important. It’s hard to execute my piles of brilliant ideas without it. Much like it would be difficult for a highly skilled professional grilled cheese sandwich maker to make a sandwich with no cheese, bread, or grill. I think you’ve got the picture now.

I got up this morning, pretended to do some yoga, made my breakfast, and happily sat down at the computer to get to work. Much to my dismay once my three-thousand-year-old laptop finally booted up it said it couldn’t find a wireless connection. That’s not surprising at all because my computer has a notoriously bad relationship with WiFi, but I have ways of fixing that.

I’m actually quite good with electronics. How do you think I got my laptop to last this long? I’m sure you don’t know anyone else with a three thousand year old laptop, and if you do they’re probably lying to you. Trust me, some people say all kinds of ridiculous things just to impress you.

My laptop was excavated from King Tut’s tomb in 1922. It was actually the prototype for all of the computer technology you have now. You know that iPhone that your very life depends on. You can thank my ancient Egyptian laptop for that. I just slapped some Dell logos on this bad boy once I stole it from the Smithsonian to keep the FBI off my trail. I’m just telling you because I consider us friends now and I’m pretty sure you won’t turn me in.

Even if your computer isn’t three thousand years old, I’m sure it gives you trouble from time to time. I’m going to let you in a secret that will fix whatever is wrong with it every time. I always use this technique, and look at how far it’s gotten me. So here goes.

Step One: Scowl and talk to it. Don’t be mean or anything. Try to reason with it.

Step Two: Restart it. Turn it off and turn it on again. This is a highly technical step that works on all kinds of electronics.

Step Three: Still not working? Now you can start yelling. I like to repeat these words. “Are you kidding me with this? Are you kidding me? You must be kidding me!”

Step Four: Restart it again. They say the second time is a charm or is it the third time?

Step Five: Still not working?!!!! Rough it up a bit. Really show it who’s boss. Nothing helps delicate electronics like knocking them around a bit. Maybe something is loose inside and it just needs a good whack to fall back into place.

Step Six: Restart it one last time.

These steps usually work, but if they don’t you might have to call a professional for help. Good luck!

I Can Stop Any Time…

My husband had to use my computer yesterday morning to get some work done before going to a recording session. I was able to get onto my father’s computer for 5 minutes, but after that I had no computer access from 8:30 to 11:30. A normal person could go 3 hours without going online and be fine. There are plenty of things you can do that don’t involve a computer, like wash dishes or clean the bathroom. Unfortunately, I’m not a normal person.

Figuring out what to do without access to my computer was difficult. I spent some time reading an actual newspaper made of paper and ink. It was really awkward to hold. I thought about writing a story old school with a pen and paper, but I couldn’t find a pen that worked.

Frustrated, I finally ended up walking to the bank to make some deposits. I thought that by the time I got back there would be a computer available for me to use. There wasn’t. So I sat on the bed and stared at the wall. I should have read a book, but all the books here don’t belong to me and I’ll be leaving soon. Why start something I won’t finish?

If you had asked me before yesterday if I was too dependent on my computer I would’ve told you no. Now I’m not so sure. I’d like to say that I don’t need it really. I can stop any time. I’d like to be unplugged for an entire 24 hour period to prove that I’m not a computer junkie. I’d like to, but I can’t. How would I work, write, listen to music, find out about what’s going on in the world, and watch Maru videos without my computer?

Tip of the Day

If you have files on your computer that you might need in the future, but you’re not quite sure where to store them don’t keep them in your computer’s recycle bin. My husband emptied my recycle bin for me not to long ago. He thought he was doing me a favor, but I actually needed some of those files. Oh, well. You live and learn, apparently.