Cyber Monday’s Secrets Revealed

There’s only one thing I like better than Black Friday. That’s Cyber Monday.

For any of you who just don’t know, Cyber Monday is the Monday after Thanksgiving. On this magical day online retailers have their ginormous sales. So let’s make sure you have this straight, on Black Friday you can go to Walmart and trample an elderly woman just to save a hundred dollars on a flat screen television, but on Monday you’ll be able to save a hundred dollars on a flat screen television, avoid the crowds, and get it delivered to your door. The downside is that there is no trampling and what’s the holidays if no one gets trampled?

You may be thinking that Cyber Monday sounds like no fun at all. After all you bought a taser last year with the express purpose of trying it out on a twelve-year-old boy while snatching the latest game console from his greedy little hands at the Best Buy’s Black Friday sale. While I agree that most twelve year boys need a good tasing and Best Buy is an ideal place for such activities, it’s my responsibility as a conscientious citizen to let you know that you are wasting your time with the small stuff.

What I’m about to share with you will change your Christmases forever. It does take a bit of planning and might be too late for you to pull off this year, but once you know you’ll be able to get ready for next year. You’ll need to know a bit of coding to get this done, but one year should get you enough time learn that. Coding is a breeze after all. If you’re too busy to learn the coding you could always hire someone from oDesk to do the programing for you and pay him about 10 bucks.

All you have to do is put up a website that advertises Cyber Monday sales. Now Suzzy Sunshine is online looking for a great deal and she happens upon your site. As she clicks around that program you paid 10 bucks to have some sap at oDesk make for you goes into action retrieving her banking information. Once you have all the secret passwords and account numbers, transfer a few thousand from her kid’s college fund into your bank account and you’re good to go. She’ll never really use that money anyway. You checked out her Facebook account and her kid doesn’t look smart enough to get into college.

Rinse and repeat all day. All week if you can. Before you know it you’ll have enough money spend your Christmas sipping cocktails on a beach in Hawaii. Unless you already live in Hawaii then you’ll probably want to go somewhere else.

I’m sharing this tip with you because I’m nice that way. I like to help people out. It’s all in the spirit of giving as they say. So try this out next year and do me just one favor, if you get caught you didn’t hear this from me.


Blackeyes, Turkeys, and Amazing Savings

So it’s Monday and you still haven’t bought your Thanksgiving turkey. That could mean only one of three things:

  1. you’re a vegetarian
  2. you’re not an American
  3. you just don’t like turkey

I guess it wouldn’t have to be one of those three things. I’m sure you could have any combination of them going on. You could be a Cambodian who tried turkey once when you were a foreign exchange student in Michigan and thought that it was so awful that you became a vegetarian right there on the spot.

I just thought of a fourth thing to add to that list. You could be me. I’ve chosen to ignore all holidays because they only mark the cruel passage of time. Instead of gorging myself on holiday delights until I can no longer button my trousers, I’ll be training for the professional shopping that is the other holiday tradition. I’ll knock your turkey-and-pie-eating behinds over to get to that ridiculously low priced HD television. Forgoing the traditional holiday turkey will leave me just hungry enough to be extra ruthless.

The good thing about this shopping tradition is that it requires no cooking and there’s no mess to clean up in the kitchen afterwards. You may get pushed, punched, trampled, tasered, or maybe even stabbed, but isn’t it all worth it for the terrific savings?

Last year, I lost my left eye in a scuffle at Best Buy, but I did get an iPhone for a hundred bucks. That’s a steal. I hardly ever used my left eye anyway.

That story isn’t completely true. I don’t have an iPhone and though I do like to wear an eye patch to formal events I still have both of my eyes. While I’m confessing, I guess I should also admit that I’ve never been shopping on Black Friday in my whole entire life. We don’t have a turkey though. That much is true. I don’t plan on getting one. I might make taco salad on Thanksgiving.