Have a Merry Happy

I guess the holidays are officially here. Good thing too because I’m officially over all of this. If you haven’t gotten your shopping done yet you’re really a worse procrastinator than I am. I suggest you stop reading this and head out to the mall to battle the other desperate shoppers for the few items remaining on the shelves.

I don’t buy Christmas presents because at my core I’m selfish, lazy, and self-centered. No that’s not true. If I were lazy I wouldn’t have bothered getting out of bed this morning. If I were selfish I certainly wouldn’t bother sharing my exciting life with you. If I were self-centered every sentence in this blog post would contain the word “I”.  Oh wait …

Well at least I’m not lazy and selfish.

This will most probably be the only post this week. Sometimes a girl needs some time off. I just wanted to make sure I had the opportunity to wish you a merry whatever and a happy something. Enjoy your time with the trees, the candles, the gifts, and all of the various things that sparkle and play music. Don’t burn anything down or start any family feuds unless that’s part of your family tradition. Remember if you eat too much you’ll regret it later. That’s all free advice. It’s just more proof that I’m not selfish.

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Picture Day

I’ve been teaching myself to play the guitar … again. I’ve decided that once I get good I’ll start doing folk versions of disco hits.

That has nothing to do with the pictures I took this week. I’m kind of tired of being in front of the camera.

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My Favorite Cold Remedy

My daily cup of astragalus and ginger tea wasn’t enough to ward off the sore throat I had the other day. I hate getting a cold because for me it’s usually accompanied by a cough that lasts for a few months. Since I’d only just gotten rid of the cough from my last cold, I knew it was time to break out the big guns–garlic tea. You heard me right.

I’m the master of tea and garlic tea is a sure fire way to kick that cold right out of your system. Here’s the recipe:

Ingredients:

  • 2 1/2 cups water
  • 12 cloves garlic minced
  • juice from 1 lemon
  • honey to taste

Put your garlic and water in a pot. Bring to boil. Turn down heat and let simmer for ten minutes. Remove from heat and add lemon juice and honey. Strain into a cup and sip it throughout the day like a boss.

Pros of drinking garlic tea:

Get rid of colds fast.
Torture your significant other with your garlic breath.

Cons of drinking garlic tea:

It’s garlic tea.

I’m Difficult to Talk to at Parties Because …

I watch about two hours of television every week. I’m not telling you this to brag. Face it, nobody likes a bragger and I like to be liked. Nobody likes someone who says, “I don’t watch TV,” either, so normally I just keep my mouth shut. I’ve never seen Breaking Bad or Mad Men or The Walking Dead or Survivor or Big Brother or Orange is the New Black. I know that’s not technically a TV show, but it’s the same concept. I don’t care about the antics of the Real Housewives of New Jersey or Atlanta or Beverly Hills or Kalamazoo.

My viewing entertainment is mostly spent on You Tube. A four minute video is about all I can handle. I have the attention span of a gnat. That’s probably sizeist of me because I’m assuming that because a gnat is small it cannot pay attention. I’ve never tried to hold a gnat’s attention so I really don’t know.

My attention span disappeared sometime between June 22 and June 24 2007. I’m pretty sure it was stolen by leprechaun while I slept. Prior to that date I could watch a ten hour conspiracy movie like Zeitgiest without skipping ahead once. After June 24 of that year I seemed to only be able to watch 30 second videos featuring kittens.

Now committing to a television show that will keep happening week after week for hours and hours is way too much to ask of me. You might as well ask me to carve an image in the Virgin Mary into a grain of rice. I’ve tried to do that before and it’s just way too difficult. Rice is too powdery. As soon as you start trying to refine the facial features a bit everything begins to crumble. Carvingg the baby Jesus in a flaxseed is a different story though. No problem really. Give it a go and you’ll see what I mean.

Anyway, that’s why I’m so hard to hold a conversation with at parties. I don’t watch television and my crowded little brain is too busy planning my next flaxseed carving to pay attention to what you have to say.

Picture Day

All you have to do is rub some dirt on yourself and you’re ready to get your picture taken. I was hoping the dirt would make my feet look slimmer. That didn’t work.

As soon as I took this picture Chompyface took the shell and started running all over the yard like a lunatic. I had no idea a dog could have such a fondness for shells.

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Eylexion – My First Attempt at Writing a Commercial

Woman sitting on a sofa reading the newspaper. She throws paper down in disgust and looks in the camera.

WOMAN:  All this blinking makes it hard to read the newspaper.

ANNOUNCER:  The average person blinks ten times per minute. That’s means that you spend nearly three hours a day with your eyes closed. Imagine how much of your life you miss in three hours.

(Emotional music swells.)

Images flash on the screen of young baby laying in crib, a young girl having a tea party with teddy bears in a pink bedroom, a young woman walking down the aisle in a wedding dress. 

(Fade to white.)

 Camera focuses on a bottle Eylexion eye drops against a white background

ANNOUNCER: Because the people here at Nova Pharmaceuticals don’t want you to miss the most important moments of your life we’ve created Eylexion Eye drops.

Just put a drop of Eylexion in each eye every ten minutes and you’ll never have to blink again.

(Upbeat music plays quietly in the background.)

Man sits wide-eyed watching a football game on television.

MAN:  Now I never miss a single play. Thanks Eylexion.

Woman from the beginning of the commercial puts drops in her eyes and picks up the newspaper.

WOMAN: Now that I don’t have to blink reading the newspaper is easy. Thanks Eylexion.

(Fade to white. Upbeat music rises in volume.)

People of all ages and races dancing in a field. They look very happy and are having a party.

ANNOUNCER:  Eylexion was tested on poor people so we know it’s completely safe for you to use. Do not use Eylexion if you have chronic dry eye, an eye infection, brown eyes, five fingers on your right hand, or have ever eaten spaghetti. It’s best not to use before driving, reading or doing anything that requires you to see.

Possible side effects include redness of the eyes, high blood pressure, glaucoma, blindness, inability to speak in complete sentences, loss of sex drive, headaches, sensitivity to light, facial ticks, loss of limbs, spontaneous human combustion, and death.

Crowd stops dancing looks at the camera.

(In unison) CROWD: Thanks Eylexion.

(Fade out)

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Rest in Peace Nelson Mandela

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I’d already written something else to post today, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that I couldn’t let the death of Nelson Mandela pass unmentioned. As a college student, I studied South Africa extensively. If there was a class offered about South Africa I was always in it. I read numerous books about Apartheid and the struggle against it. I also read numerous books about Nelson Mandela.

In 1993, I signed up to spend a semester studying in Cape Town, but the program was cancelled after the assassination of Chris Hani. We ended up studying in Zimbabwe instead, but I was still constantly following what was happening in South Africa.

Mandela was one of my heroes. He is a prime example that the work of one person can make a profound difference in the world. He will be missed.

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” ~ Nelson Mandela

Photo by Celestine Chua

The War on Christmas

It’s December 4th and the war on Christmas has already begun. Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner? I love a good war especially a good pretend one.

I’ve been trying to figure out what one might wear to properly fight a war on a holiday and I’m thinking that if I pair some camouflage pants with an oversized Christmas sweater that might work. I think I have a Christmas ornament in a box in the closet. I could throw it at someone whilst yelling “Happy Holidays.” Or am I supposed to be yelling “Merry Christmas?” The problem is that I have no idea who the enemy is. I wouldn’t want to assault the wrong person with a glitter covered pine cone or yell the wrong joyful phrase.

Wars on holidays suck. It’s all too vague. If only I had a copy of Mannheim Steamroller Christmas. I heard that if I play the album backwards I’d find out everything I need to help win this war. Or maybe I’ll find out how to make a perfect chocolate souffle. Either way a copy of the album could be useful. Eggnog would be useful too, but I’m too tired to go to the store. Wouldn’t it be good if you could download eggnog?

Cyber Monday’s Secrets Revealed

There’s only one thing I like better than Black Friday. That’s Cyber Monday.

For any of you who just don’t know, Cyber Monday is the Monday after Thanksgiving. On this magical day online retailers have their ginormous sales. So let’s make sure you have this straight, on Black Friday you can go to Walmart and trample an elderly woman just to save a hundred dollars on a flat screen television, but on Monday you’ll be able to save a hundred dollars on a flat screen television, avoid the crowds, and get it delivered to your door. The downside is that there is no trampling and what’s the holidays if no one gets trampled?

You may be thinking that Cyber Monday sounds like no fun at all. After all you bought a taser last year with the express purpose of trying it out on a twelve-year-old boy while snatching the latest game console from his greedy little hands at the Best Buy’s Black Friday sale. While I agree that most twelve year boys need a good tasing and Best Buy is an ideal place for such activities, it’s my responsibility as a conscientious citizen to let you know that you are wasting your time with the small stuff.

What I’m about to share with you will change your Christmases forever. It does take a bit of planning and might be too late for you to pull off this year, but once you know you’ll be able to get ready for next year. You’ll need to know a bit of coding to get this done, but one year should get you enough time learn that. Coding is a breeze after all. If you’re too busy to learn the coding you could always hire someone from oDesk to do the programing for you and pay him about 10 bucks.

All you have to do is put up a website that advertises Cyber Monday sales. Now Suzzy Sunshine is online looking for a great deal and she happens upon your site. As she clicks around that program you paid 10 bucks to have some sap at oDesk make for you goes into action retrieving her banking information. Once you have all the secret passwords and account numbers, transfer a few thousand from her kid’s college fund into your bank account and you’re good to go. She’ll never really use that money anyway. You checked out her Facebook account and her kid doesn’t look smart enough to get into college.

Rinse and repeat all day. All week if you can. Before you know it you’ll have enough money spend your Christmas sipping cocktails on a beach in Hawaii. Unless you already live in Hawaii then you’ll probably want to go somewhere else.

I’m sharing this tip with you because I’m nice that way. I like to help people out. It’s all in the spirit of giving as they say. So try this out next year and do me just one favor, if you get caught you didn’t hear this from me.

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