A New Job

I’ve been trying to come up with a good way to earn a little extra money. It would have to be something that challenged me both mentally and physically. It would also have to pay at least $94.13 an hour. Anything less than that isn’t really worth my time.

That’s why I decided to try out to be a cheerleader for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. First of all it requires tons of memorization. You have to learn cheers and dance steps. Have you seen me dance yet? Oh yeah you have …

My memorization skills are spectacular. That’s why it took me almost a year to memorize my cell phone number.

The job would also require some acting because I’d have to pretend I was interested in football. Anyone who’s seen my You Tube channel knows that my acting skill are second to none. Every year that I’m not nominated for an Oscar I’m shocked. What in the world is wrong with the members of the Academy?

I have all the skills necessary to be a cheerleader. I was going to call the folks at One Buccaneer Place to let them know that I’m available to lead some cheers next season when I found out how little cheerleaders get paid. That’s nowhere near the $94.13 an hour I require. It looks like it’s back to the drawing board.

I wonder how much pilots make. They are responsible for many lives so it must be tons, right? I’m sure I could fly a plane. I mean how hard could it be?

Freeforming

Confession …

I stopped combing my hair two months ago. Combs are so overrated, and I was ready for a change. It’s funny how not combing your hair makes you totally forget to update your blog. I never realized the two things were so closely related before.

So this is the sort of beginning of my freeform locking journey. For those of you who don’t know, that means I’m growing uncultivated dreadlocks. For those of you who still don’t know, that means that after I wash my hair (which I still do because dirty hair is not what dreadlocks are all about) I don’t comb or brush or anything like that. I may separate a few sections with my fingers so I don’t end up with one giant lock, but that’s it. It’s a big matted mess all up on my scalp, and I like it that way.

I decided to start doing this because I’m all about freedom. I also realize that freedom isn’t free, and by it’s very nature it needs some sort of form. Hence my decision to freeform.

I am completely aware that the above paragraph makes no sense, but that’s never stopped me before.

Don’t worry, this is not becoming some kind of hair blog. Hair isn’t nearly as interesting as my inane ramblings about life, love, and time travel. I just wanted to tell you about this decision of mine because my husband is convinced that it won’t last long. This here announcement commits me to keeping this freeforming thing going for about a year. Once the year is up, I’ll shave my hair in checkerboard pattern and bleach the alternating squares. I might have to attempt to get a real job in a year, and I think a nice checkerboard pattern shaved into my head will really impress interviewers.

I’m Kind of Back

So it finally happened. Nebulous Mooch has become yet another abandoned blog on the internet that you stumble upon one day, read a few posts, laugh, cry, and then wonder what happened. Why did she stop writing? Did she ever realize her dreams of climbing mount Everest or learning to speak Greek? I know the suspense is killing you.

Since the last post that was written on this blog some time last month, I’ve become fluent in Greek and Mongolian, earned a third degree black belt in Karate, started free diving and free running, won the world record for eating the most Twinkies in a single sitting, climbed Mount Everest, and learned to play the guitar … again. As you can see it’s been a busy few weeks.

If you want to be able to do all of that in a few weeks too, boy do I have some tips for you. First make a list of the goals you wish to accomplish. Nothing is too big. The world is your oyster. Let the sky be your limit. Now that you have your list, look at it everyday, and imagine yourself accomplishing each task. Act as if you’ve accomplished your goals already. Your mind is an amazing thing. Before you know it you’ll believe you’ve already done everything you’ve set out to do. The best part is that you won’t really have to do anything, but sit around thinking.

The only thing I really did on my list was learn to play the guitar and learn to speak Mongolian. The other stuff all happened in my head which is almost like the real world except it’s mushier and a bit more cluttered.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to make this sorry excuse for a blog useful. So far I haven’t had much luck, so it’s back to the drawing board.

It’s Time to Change

“When it’s time to change, then its time to change
Don’t fight the tide, come along for the ride, don’t you see
When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange
who you are into what you’re gonna be.
Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na
Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na” ~ The Brady Bunch

2013 is drawing to a close, and as we usher in 2014 we have a chance to reflect upon our lives, our goals, and our waistlines. Before writing this post I took about a half a second to look back at the goals I made at the beginning of 2013. Okay, when I say goals I really mean goal because I only had one. Unfortunately, I failed to achieve it.

So I didn’t win the lottery. I was so sure I would this year. You would think that if you purchase two lottery tickets during the course of a year odds are that one of those two would be a million dollar winner. Alas, it just wasn’t meant to be. I spent a whole four dollars and got nothing in return.

This year I’m ready to make a change. I’m through with the lottery. It makes me itch. Instead, I’ve decided to make this blog, Nebulous Mooch, useful this year. That’s right. This year I’ll be freely sharing advice with you. No more useless tips. This will be the year of useful tips that matter because when it’s time to change you’ve got to rearrange. I’ve got some rearranging to do this year, and I don’t just mean moving the sofa to the opposite wall in the living room. I mean helping you live the most nebulous moochy life possible.

Happy New Year. I’ll see you next year.

A Mother Life

BlogWithIntegrity.com

Have a Merry Happy

I guess the holidays are officially here. Good thing too because I’m officially over all of this. If you haven’t gotten your shopping done yet you’re really a worse procrastinator than I am. I suggest you stop reading this and head out to the mall to battle the other desperate shoppers for the few items remaining on the shelves.

I don’t buy Christmas presents because at my core I’m selfish, lazy, and self-centered. No that’s not true. If I were lazy I wouldn’t have bothered getting out of bed this morning. If I were selfish I certainly wouldn’t bother sharing my exciting life with you. If I were self-centered every sentence in this blog post would contain the word “I”.  Oh wait …

Well at least I’m not lazy and selfish.

This will most probably be the only post this week. Sometimes a girl needs some time off. I just wanted to make sure I had the opportunity to wish you a merry whatever and a happy something. Enjoy your time with the trees, the candles, the gifts, and all of the various things that sparkle and play music. Don’t burn anything down or start any family feuds unless that’s part of your family tradition. Remember if you eat too much you’ll regret it later. That’s all free advice. It’s just more proof that I’m not selfish.

merry

 

Picture Day

I’ve been teaching myself to play the guitar … again. I’ve decided that once I get good I’ll start doing folk versions of disco hits.

That has nothing to do with the pictures I took this week. I’m kind of tired of being in front of the camera.

SONY DSC SONY DSC

My Favorite Cold Remedy

My daily cup of astragalus and ginger tea wasn’t enough to ward off the sore throat I had the other day. I hate getting a cold because for me it’s usually accompanied by a cough that lasts for a few months. Since I’d only just gotten rid of the cough from my last cold, I knew it was time to break out the big guns–garlic tea. You heard me right.

I’m the master of tea and garlic tea is a sure fire way to kick that cold right out of your system. Here’s the recipe:

Ingredients:

  • 2 1/2 cups water
  • 12 cloves garlic minced
  • juice from 1 lemon
  • honey to taste

Put your garlic and water in a pot. Bring to boil. Turn down heat and let simmer for ten minutes. Remove from heat and add lemon juice and honey. Strain into a cup and sip it throughout the day like a boss.

Pros of drinking garlic tea:

Get rid of colds fast.
Torture your significant other with your garlic breath.

Cons of drinking garlic tea:

It’s garlic tea.

I’m Difficult to Talk to at Parties Because …

I watch about two hours of television every week. I’m not telling you this to brag. Face it, nobody likes a bragger and I like to be liked. Nobody likes someone who says, “I don’t watch TV,” either, so normally I just keep my mouth shut. I’ve never seen Breaking Bad or Mad Men or The Walking Dead or Survivor or Big Brother or Orange is the New Black. I know that’s not technically a TV show, but it’s the same concept. I don’t care about the antics of the Real Housewives of New Jersey or Atlanta or Beverly Hills or Kalamazoo.

My viewing entertainment is mostly spent on You Tube. A four minute video is about all I can handle. I have the attention span of a gnat. That’s probably sizeist of me because I’m assuming that because a gnat is small it cannot pay attention. I’ve never tried to hold a gnat’s attention so I really don’t know.

My attention span disappeared sometime between June 22 and June 24 2007. I’m pretty sure it was stolen by leprechaun while I slept. Prior to that date I could watch a ten hour conspiracy movie like Zeitgiest without skipping ahead once. After June 24 of that year I seemed to only be able to watch 30 second videos featuring kittens.

Now committing to a television show that will keep happening week after week for hours and hours is way too much to ask of me. You might as well ask me to carve an image in the Virgin Mary into a grain of rice. I’ve tried to do that before and it’s just way too difficult. Rice is too powdery. As soon as you start trying to refine the facial features a bit everything begins to crumble. Carvingg the baby Jesus in a flaxseed is a different story though. No problem really. Give it a go and you’ll see what I mean.

Anyway, that’s why I’m so hard to hold a conversation with at parties. I don’t watch television and my crowded little brain is too busy planning my next flaxseed carving to pay attention to what you have to say.

Picture Day

All you have to do is rub some dirt on yourself and you’re ready to get your picture taken. I was hoping the dirt would make my feet look slimmer. That didn’t work.

As soon as I took this picture Chompyface took the shell and started running all over the yard like a lunatic. I had no idea a dog could have such a fondness for shells.

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Eylexion – My First Attempt at Writing a Commercial

Woman sitting on a sofa reading the newspaper. She throws paper down in disgust and looks in the camera.

WOMAN:  All this blinking makes it hard to read the newspaper.

ANNOUNCER:  The average person blinks ten times per minute. That’s means that you spend nearly three hours a day with your eyes closed. Imagine how much of your life you miss in three hours.

(Emotional music swells.)

Images flash on the screen of young baby laying in crib, a young girl having a tea party with teddy bears in a pink bedroom, a young woman walking down the aisle in a wedding dress. 

(Fade to white.)

 Camera focuses on a bottle Eylexion eye drops against a white background

ANNOUNCER: Because the people here at Nova Pharmaceuticals don’t want you to miss the most important moments of your life we’ve created Eylexion Eye drops.

Just put a drop of Eylexion in each eye every ten minutes and you’ll never have to blink again.

(Upbeat music plays quietly in the background.)

Man sits wide-eyed watching a football game on television.

MAN:  Now I never miss a single play. Thanks Eylexion.

Woman from the beginning of the commercial puts drops in her eyes and picks up the newspaper.

WOMAN: Now that I don’t have to blink reading the newspaper is easy. Thanks Eylexion.

(Fade to white. Upbeat music rises in volume.)

People of all ages and races dancing in a field. They look very happy and are having a party.

ANNOUNCER:  Eylexion was tested on poor people so we know it’s completely safe for you to use. Do not use Eylexion if you have chronic dry eye, an eye infection, brown eyes, five fingers on your right hand, or have ever eaten spaghetti. It’s best not to use before driving, reading or doing anything that requires you to see.

Possible side effects include redness of the eyes, high blood pressure, glaucoma, blindness, inability to speak in complete sentences, loss of sex drive, headaches, sensitivity to light, facial ticks, loss of limbs, spontaneous human combustion, and death.

Crowd stops dancing looks at the camera.

(In unison) CROWD: Thanks Eylexion.

(Fade out)

 eylexion

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