I’m Kind of Back

So it finally happened. Nebulous Mooch has become yet another abandoned blog on the internet that you stumble upon one day, read a few posts, laugh, cry, and then wonder what happened. Why did she stop writing? Did she ever realize her dreams of climbing mount Everest or learning to speak Greek? I know the suspense is killing you.

Since the last post that was written on this blog some time last month, I’ve become fluent in Greek and Mongolian, earned a third degree black belt in Karate, started free diving and free running, won the world record for eating the most Twinkies in a single sitting, climbed Mount Everest, and learned to play the guitar … again. As you can see it’s been a busy few weeks.

If you want to be able to do all of that in a few weeks too, boy do I have some tips for you. First make a list of the goals you wish to accomplish. Nothing is too big. The world is your oyster. Let the sky be your limit. Now that you have your list, look at it everyday, and imagine yourself accomplishing each task. Act as if you’ve accomplished your goals already. Your mind is an amazing thing. Before you know it you’ll believe you’ve already done everything you’ve set out to do. The best part is that you won’t really have to do anything, but sit around thinking.

The only thing I really did on my list was learn to play the guitar and learn to speak Mongolian. The other stuff all happened in my head which is almost like the real world except it’s mushier and a bit more cluttered.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to make this sorry excuse for a blog useful. So far I haven’t had much luck, so it’s back to the drawing board.

Cyber Monday’s Secrets Revealed

There’s only one thing I like better than Black Friday. That’s Cyber Monday.

For any of you who just don’t know, Cyber Monday is the Monday after Thanksgiving. On this magical day online retailers have their ginormous sales. So let’s make sure you have this straight, on Black Friday you can go to Walmart and trample an elderly woman just to save a hundred dollars on a flat screen television, but on Monday you’ll be able to save a hundred dollars on a flat screen television, avoid the crowds, and get it delivered to your door. The downside is that there is no trampling and what’s the holidays if no one gets trampled?

You may be thinking that Cyber Monday sounds like no fun at all. After all you bought a taser last year with the express purpose of trying it out on a twelve-year-old boy while snatching the latest game console from his greedy little hands at the Best Buy’s Black Friday sale. While I agree that most twelve year boys need a good tasing and Best Buy is an ideal place for such activities, it’s my responsibility as a conscientious citizen to let you know that you are wasting your time with the small stuff.

What I’m about to share with you will change your Christmases forever. It does take a bit of planning and might be too late for you to pull off this year, but once you know you’ll be able to get ready for next year. You’ll need to know a bit of coding to get this done, but one year should get you enough time learn that. Coding is a breeze after all. If you’re too busy to learn the coding you could always hire someone from oDesk to do the programing for you and pay him about 10 bucks.

All you have to do is put up a website that advertises Cyber Monday sales. Now Suzzy Sunshine is online looking for a great deal and she happens upon your site. As she clicks around that program you paid 10 bucks to have some sap at oDesk make for you goes into action retrieving her banking information. Once you have all the secret passwords and account numbers, transfer a few thousand from her kid’s college fund into your bank account and you’re good to go. She’ll never really use that money anyway. You checked out her Facebook account and her kid doesn’t look smart enough to get into college.

Rinse and repeat all day. All week if you can. Before you know it you’ll have enough money spend your Christmas sipping cocktails on a beach in Hawaii. Unless you already live in Hawaii then you’ll probably want to go somewhere else.

I’m sharing this tip with you because I’m nice that way. I like to help people out. It’s all in the spirit of giving as they say. So try this out next year and do me just one favor, if you get caught you didn’t hear this from me.

cybermondayq

The Camera Hasn’t Broken Yet, But Just Wait …

The thing about getting a new camera is that you actually have to learn how to use it. That’s especially true when my husband is involved. I hate reading manuals. I’m a trial and error kind of gal. I just push all the buttons and hope for the best.

The problem is sometimes that method does more harm than good. It’s a shame when you break something before you even really get to use it. That’s what happened with the little food processor I bought a few weeks ago. To be fair it was from the thrift store and only set me back 2 bucks, but I was hoping it would last more than one use.

When you’re making falafel for a ravenous bunch of cavemen who eat piles of food (my family) you need to make quite a lot. You need to make a lot more than a cute little food processor can handle.

That’s fine. I thought I could just process multiple batches, but there comes a point when the whole multiple batches thing gets old and you just want to get it over with. That’s why I ended up overfilling it.

As I crammed the chickpeas into it I knew what I was doing was not a good idea. I just needed to go out and get a real food processor. I persisted though and as I turned on that small, cute, innocence food processor one last time it squealed in pain. The blade did a few weak rotations and ground to a halt.

It was over. Even when emptied it wouldn’t spin. I’d only had it for two hours and I’d already killed it. I quietly washed it out and stored it in the cupboard hoping that after a brief rest it would revive itself. I just checked and it hasn’t.

A similar thing happened with the blender when I tried to make falafel last month. Maybe it’s a sign.

I was planning on making falafel next week. Since I still haven’t gotten a food processor and I love using the wrong tool for the job I was thinking about using the new camera to mash up the chickpeas this time. That should work. I mean it wouldn’t hurt, right?

falafel

Five Tips to Help You Through the Social Nightmare That is the Food Coop

Today is Monday which means that it’s the day to pick up food from the co-op we’ve joined. The thing about the coop is that you see the same people every week. It’s like everyone knows each other. They joke around, and chat, and when they ask how you’re doing they seem to really want an honest answer. What’s up with that?

If I want to buy cheese, I have to ask someone to weigh it out for me. That means I have to know how much I want. Who knows something like that? I’m not sure what a pound of cheese looks like. I never paid attention when buying cheese before. Can you see how stressful this is? As a result I never buy cheese.

Sometimes I want the anonymous shopping experience of Publix where I can buy cheese without having to talk to anyone, avoid making eye contact with other human beings, and only have to give one word answers to any questions the cashier might ask me.

I’ve been going to the same food coop for a number of years now. Even though it still stresses me out, I’ve learned how to get through the experience. Here are some tips to help you deal with your own coop social nightmare.

foodcoop

1. Bring your own bags for produce. Everyone will like you more if you have your own bags. They should be reusable and preferably not plastic. If they’re not plastic everyone will love you. We all want to be loved.

2. When someone sidles up to you while you’re picking out cucumbers to tell you about how changing their diet to paleo or raw vegan or whatever the heck they’re doing completely cured them of psoriasis or chronic fatigue syndrome, or Hashimoto’s disease, or depression, or constipation, or shyness, simply nod, smile, and pretend to listen.

3. When you accidentally spill red lentils all over the floor, laugh it off, and help clean it up. Fight the urge to run from the building sobbing. No one likes a running sobber.

4. When someone starts telling you about her amazing home birth experience as you get a container of Amish butter from the fridge pretend to listen. When she’s through detailing how she froze and ate the placenta, smile and say, “That’s interesting. I’ve always wondered about that.” If you are brave you may ask her what it tasted like. Avoid gagging or passing out. Don’t tell her that you are barren. That only leads to pity and pity sucks.

5. When you check out help bag, but don’t help too much. They have a system and your clumsy hands are probably messing it up. It’s important to look helpful while not interfering. This is accomplished by talking about bagging rather than actually doing anything.

6. Say goodbye when you leave. Not everyone understands the need to disappear unnoticed through the door. If you don’t want to get kicked out of the coop for good always say goodbye. It doesn’t matter if everyone in the place ignores you. Just say goodbye and leave as quickly as possible. Wait until you get home to have your nervous breakdown in the car.

American Cheese Month

The month is nearly over and I couldn’t let it go by without acknowledging that it is American Cheese Month. I don’t understand why it isn’t celebrated more widely. People get so caught up in Halloween that they forget the truly great things in life–cheese.

In this home, we shun the Jack O’Laterns, ghosts, witches, and black cats usually prominent in Halloween decorations and opt for classier cheese decor. I’ve found that Kraft American Single Cheese Slices stick nicely to any wall. You can cover an entire wall with them or organize them into a festive checkerboard pattern.

A large block of Swiss cheese can be used as an elegant table centerpiece. Stick flowers in the holes to brighten it up a bit. Fresh flowers are best, but you can use dried or even silk flowers also.

I like to string small wheels of cheddar together and hang them around windows and doorways like garland. Of course you can’t celebrate American Cheese Month without some blue cheese. Leave a few small dishes of crumbled blue cheese around the house. Nothing reminds you of the holidays like that festive cheese smell.

I hope these tips will help you celebrate American Cheese Month right. I’ll be giving out string cheese to trick-or-treaters on Halloween. I hope you consider passing out a cheesy snack to the children as well.

cheese

Hooray, It’s Columbus Day

I’m pretty sure today is Columbus Day, but don’t quote me on that because I’m still not completely sure about the exact date of Christmas. New Year’s Day is pretty easy to figure out and so is Halloween, but all the other holidays are a mystery to me. I’d like to blame my lack of holiday awareness on working for myself, but to tell you the truth, I’ve never been sure about which holidays happen when. Heck, I have a hard enough time keeping track of the days of the week.

Columbus Day is kind of a non-holiday holiday anyway. It’s like President’s Day, but worse. Even before we used to have atrocities at dinner I was aware that we really had no business celebrating this holiday. But, how do people celebrate anyway? I don’t think many people even get off from work anymore. There might be a parade for it somewhere and children might learn a bunch of heroic half truths about Columbus in school. I’m sure somewhere someone is using it as an excuse to have a barbecue.

No one on my block seems to be celebrating. I just went out front and looked down the street to check. There are no extra flags out and no dance parties in front yards. Someone the next block down is mowing their lawn which might be how he celebrates Columbus Day, but I kind of doubt it.

Since it seems that people are unsure as to how to celebrate this holiday, I’ve come up with some suggestions.

columbusday

1. Claim some territory. Is there a house in your neighborhood that you think is a bit better than where you currently reside? I think it’s about time for you to discover it. Move right in. Never mind the people already living there. They’re just savages who don’t know what to do with a nice house like that anyway. Do they have a nice car and some cute kids? You can go ahead and discover those too. Take it all. You deserve it.

2. Enslave somebody. Now that’s how you celebrate. Anyone off the street will do.

3. Maim some people. Some people just won’t agree to enslavement. I just don’t understand why. If you encounter resistance try maiming and killing a few people as an example for the others.

4. Steal some gold. I don’t know how easy that will be these days. You might have to settle for some useless American paper money. Robbing a bank will probably do. I find that robbery is easiest if you get your slaves to do it for you.

5. Spread disease. Do you ever find that there are just way too many people to conquer? No problem. Kill them off with a disease that they have no way to defend themselves against. That’s way easier then actually fighting them.

Those are my five. If you think of any other ways to celebrate, let me know in the comments.

Five Ways to Avoid Being Picked Up by Animal Control

animalcontrol

When I went to take the dog for a walk this morning an animal control truck was parked right outside my house. Chompy didn’t seem to care, but when I saw it I just knew I was in big trouble. I don’t know why I always assume that I’m in trouble. I guess I just have a guilty conscious, but expected the animal control officer to snag me and throw me into one of those little cages in the back of the truck.

Later, during the walk I had to walk by a motorcycle cop who I was convinced would arrest. If he did arrest me would that mean I’d have to ride on the back of his motorcycle to the station? I’m not sure if that would be good or bad.

Anyway, I know that most of you are probably just as afraid of being picked up by animal control as I am. So here are some tips to make sure you don’t get shipped off to the pound.

1. Avoid walking around your neighborhood. They’re looking for stray animals. Do your best not to look like a stray by driving everywhere. If you do have to walk for some reason put on a leash. Then the animal control officer will know that you belong to someone.

2. Don’t pee on any fire hydrants. I know the temptation is great, but lifting your leg to pee in public is the quickest way to get mistaken for a dog. Fight the urge. I’m sure you can hold it until you get home.

3. Don’t wear that dog costume you bought for Halloween around the neighborhood. Costumes are for Halloween. Wearing it on any other day will just get you into a mess of trouble.

4. If an animal control officer does approach you stay calm and make sure you enunciate your words clearly when you speak. Everyone knows that dogs tend to garble their words.

5. Steer clear of cats. They’re nothing but trouble. If anyone is going to report you to animal control it will be the cat that lives three doors down and pretends to like you. He’ll anonymously report you in a minute and if you confront him on it, he’ll never admit it.

To Bidet, or Not to Bidet: That is the Question.

bidet

Even though I’ve never actually used one, a bidet has always seemed like a good idea to me. How could it not be? After all, cleanliness is next to godliness and who doesn’t want a godly behind?

I’ve considered including a bidet in the bathroom remodel we’ll probably never get around to doing, but it would take up a lot of space. It would also probably cost an arm and a leg. There is one other problem too, actually using the thing.

I have issues, and I’m pretty sure a bidet is a disaster waiting to happen. I can picture myself spraying water all over the bathroom or turning the pressure on too high and accidentally giving myself colon hydrotherapy. I am a massage therapist, but colon hydrotherapy is beyond my scope of practice.

A bidet toilet seat is a more feasible option. Have you heard of those? Most involve plastic tubing and even remote controls. A remote control toilet seat, now that’s fancy. Alas, a three hundred dollar remote control toilet seat is probably a bad idea for me too. I’m clumsy. I’d flush that remote control in no time. Then I’d have to try to replace it. I’m sure you’ve had to replace your television remote before with one of those universal things from Radio Shack. That never goes well. Imagine how much of a nightmare replacing your bidet toilet seat remote would be.

How much is a clean behind worth to you? You really have to think about that because that toilet paper you’re using isn’t really cutting it. I mean come on, be honest with yourself.

Cottonelle wipes are an affordable alternative to bidets. They get you clean without remote controls or high pressure water spraying up your bum.

This is a sponsored post and all that, but seriously guys you need to make sure you have a clean bottom. I’m just letting you know because I care. I care about your butt. Check out the #LetsTalkBums campaign to find out more. Clean bums rock. Just saying.

There She is, Miss America

missamerica

I grew up just outside of Atlantic City with its casinos, boardwalks, beaches, and most importantly the Miss America Pageant. When I was a little girl, I just knew I’d be Miss America one day. My third grade teacher told me so, and everything she told me was absolutely true.

Even at a young age I knew that you couldn’t accomplish anything without practice. That’s why I spent two years in intensive training to become Miss America. I had a routine that I would do secretly in my room. Even though I’d never watched the Miss America Pageant straight through, I was pretty sure I knew what was required to win the crown.

I know that most of you are probably not eight year old girls, but despite that, you may still dream of one day being the one who wins the crown. If you do, like me you’ll have to practice. Now I’m going to dig back into my knowledge vault to help you out. This is what you need to be able to do to become Miss America.

You need a killer walk. Just like a model a pageant contestant does a lot of walking back and forth on stage. That’s why your walk has to be just right. I suggest that you throw in a little extra swagger to make yourself stand out to the judges. Some crotch grabbing might be appropriate too–Michael Jackson style crotch grabbing. Beauty contestant judges love that.

Learn to dance. There’s always some kind of choreographed routine at the beginning of the pageant. If you can’t get that right you have no chance at winning. We can’t have someone with two left feet representing the country. Don’t know how to dance? Don’t worry. She can help.

Get some talent. Everyone knows that you’ve got to have talent to be Miss America. No, putting Vaseline on your teeth so you can smile for days is not a talent. My talent is singing. I’m especially good at changing key multiple times in one song. Too bad the accompanying music never seems to change key with me. If you can’t sing that’s fine. Try something like hula hooping or blowing spit bubbles.

Learn to speak in complete sentences. For goodness sakes, learn to answer questions on the spot in a reasonable manner on a stage in front of thousands of people. We don’t want anything like this happening to you.

Poor Miss South Carolina. I get crazy stage fright so I probably wouldn’t have done any better.

I hope these tips help you wear the crown one day. Take it from me all your hard work will be worth it. After my years of practice I finally did make it to the Miss America Pageant–to watch it from the nosebleed section. It’s a lot easier to figure out what’s going on when you watch it on TV.

Six Words That Will Impress at Any Party

sixwords

Nothing impresses people like an excellent vocabulary, and here at The Mooch we like to help you impress. That’s why we gathered some of the most impressive words you can use at the next social event you attend.

What follows is a list of words and sentences that demonstrate their proper usage. No, I didn’t write down the definitions for you, but you do have to do something for yourself. Education shouldn’t be spoon fed to you. You have to earn it. Anyway, most people with half a brain can figure out what the words mean just by reading the sentences.

Let the education begin.

Parameter

I was so thrilled to find out that there was an organic farmer’s market just three parameters from my home.

Litmus

My litmus became infected last year, and I had to have it removed. It was a dreadful experience.

Ornate

I love jazz. In fact, Ornate Coleman is one of my favorite musicians.

Philistine

Do you know what I really admire about Bill Gates? He’s one of the most generous Philistines of our time.

Felafel

I prefer to use a felafel in the shower. It’s great for exfoliation.

Diversify

I dislike election season. I feel that politics only diversify the people.

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