My Whole Vagina

My husband plays a church gig on Sundays and because he doesn’t know any of the songs they sing, the pastor sends him songs to listen to each week. It’s funny because if anyone followed him on Spotify they’d think that he listens to religious music all the time.

Anyway the lyrics of one of the songs he was listening to last week were almost impossible to decipher. Singers really should try to enunciate so we know what they’re talking about. After listening to the chorus a million times I think I finally figured out the words.

My whole vagina
My provider
You hold my knees see
You rain in the train
You are my shadow
My recipe
And I worship you because of who you are

I kept singing along and my husband kept insisting I wasn’t getting the lyrics right, but he’s admitted many times that he doesn’t pay attention to song lyrics. I think he has no idea what he’s talking about. My lyrics make perfect sense and I’m quite sure I’m right.

Have a Merry Happy

I guess the holidays are officially here. Good thing too because I’m officially over all of this. If you haven’t gotten your shopping done yet you’re really a worse procrastinator than I am. I suggest you stop reading this and head out to the mall to battle the other desperate shoppers for the few items remaining on the shelves.

I don’t buy Christmas presents because at my core I’m selfish, lazy, and self-centered. No that’s not true. If I were lazy I wouldn’t have bothered getting out of bed this morning. If I were selfish I certainly wouldn’t bother sharing my exciting life with you. If I were self-centered every sentence in this blog post would contain the word “I”.  Oh wait …

Well at least I’m not lazy and selfish.

This will most probably be the only post this week. Sometimes a girl needs some time off. I just wanted to make sure I had the opportunity to wish you a merry whatever and a happy something. Enjoy your time with the trees, the candles, the gifts, and all of the various things that sparkle and play music. Don’t burn anything down or start any family feuds unless that’s part of your family tradition. Remember if you eat too much you’ll regret it later. That’s all free advice. It’s just more proof that I’m not selfish.

merry

 

The War on Christmas

It’s December 4th and the war on Christmas has already begun. Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner? I love a good war especially a good pretend one.

I’ve been trying to figure out what one might wear to properly fight a war on a holiday and I’m thinking that if I pair some camouflage pants with an oversized Christmas sweater that might work. I think I have a Christmas ornament in a box in the closet. I could throw it at someone whilst yelling “Happy Holidays.” Or am I supposed to be yelling “Merry Christmas?” The problem is that I have no idea who the enemy is. I wouldn’t want to assault the wrong person with a glitter covered pine cone or yell the wrong joyful phrase.

Wars on holidays suck. It’s all too vague. If only I had a copy of Mannheim Steamroller Christmas. I heard that if I play the album backwards I’d find out everything I need to help win this war. Or maybe I’ll find out how to make a perfect chocolate souffle. Either way a copy of the album could be useful. Eggnog would be useful too, but I’m too tired to go to the store. Wouldn’t it be good if you could download eggnog?

Storms are Scary

This weekend has proved, yet again that my fear of the weather is completely justified. Storms sure are getting bigger and more destructive. As someone who lives in an area that is vulnerable to hurricanes, I sympathize with people who have experienced the destruction Mother Nature can unleash. In reality, it could happen here anytime. Sobering, isn’t it?

typhoon

The devastation in the Philippines is truly shocking, so instead of my usual silly post, I’m asking that you donate what you can to the relief effort. Here are two links you can send donations to:

The Red Cross

Unicef

Photo by mansunides

Just This One Thing

You know how I provide you with so many opportunities to laugh at my craziness, and I never ask you for anything? Well, except for that one time when I really needed your help with that really important thing, I’m sure you remember. Anyway, today is the day when I’m asking you for a favor … again. Don’t run away. I swear it’s an easy one this time. I wouldn’t want to put a strain on our relationship or anything.

It’s not like I’m asking you to dog sit for me or count all of the pennies in our multiple penny jars. I’m just asking you to go to a little website and click one tiny little button. It would take a minimal amount of effort on your part. It doesn’t even require the movement of very many muscles maybe 27 muscles at the most. Compared to the 642 muscles in the entire human body that’s practically nothing.

My husband is applying for a small business grant through Chase, but in order to get through the first round of the application he needs 250 votes before the 15th of this month. If he gets the money he’ll be able to make more goofy songs for this blog like this one ….

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He’ll also be able to help other people record their songs. You need the proper equipment to do all this stuff and right now he has the improper equipment. (Yes, I know that was the incorrect usage to the word, but it made me laugh.)

If you like music, or know someone who likes music, or have ever heard any music ever in your life, I think you should vote for him. All you have to do is click the link below and then click the vote button on the page. I think you need a Facebook account too. It doesn’t matter which country you live in. Every vote counts. Click here to vote.

Another Limerick

There once was a man from no place,
Who saw his good wife’s sad face,
So he said, “I hardly fly United anymore. Why don’t you use my Skymiles to get the camera you want?” and she said, “Really, really,” and now she’s anxiously waiting for a new camera to arrive in the post so she can go back to making videos for her blog even though down deep inside she realizes that she could have a million dollar camera and that wouldn’t help her because in reality she has no video making skills.

New Sandals and Nail Polish

Everyone knows that the most important thing is what you put in your head. Your brain is who you are, and you should make sure you fill it with good stuff. Did you know that what you put on your feet is almost equally as important? You didn’t? That’s probably because I made that up about two seconds ago.

I believe in wearing top quality shoes. That’s why I was so excited when I won the Funny Not Slutty Essay Contest a few weeks ago. As a prize I got a pair of Orthaheel sandals from Sole Provisions. My sandals arrived today and I was so happy that I put them on immediately and sat around looking at them. These shoes really compliment my Fred Flintstone feet.

I decided to paint my toenails to pretty up the situation a bit more. I headed to the drugstore to buy polish because I never paint my nails and don’t own any nail polish. There I met a very enthusiastic saleswoman who helped me pick out the best cheap nail polish for me. Pink sparkly nails go perfectly with orthopedic shoes, don’t you think?

I never realized how difficult it is to paint your nails. I’ve tried to do this three times now and it still looks like I was attacked by a group of nail-polish-wielding cats. I’ve always been bad at coloring in the lines, but there are no lines on my toes so I thought this would be a breeze. I was so wrong. No wonder people go to school to learn how to do this.

I’m keeping the badly painted nails for now, but it is a good thing I only paid $1.99 for the polish.

SONY DSC

Six Words That Will Impress at Any Party

sixwords

Nothing impresses people like an excellent vocabulary, and here at The Mooch we like to help you impress. That’s why we gathered some of the most impressive words you can use at the next social event you attend.

What follows is a list of words and sentences that demonstrate their proper usage. No, I didn’t write down the definitions for you, but you do have to do something for yourself. Education shouldn’t be spoon fed to you. You have to earn it. Anyway, most people with half a brain can figure out what the words mean just by reading the sentences.

Let the education begin.

Parameter

I was so thrilled to find out that there was an organic farmer’s market just three parameters from my home.

Litmus

My litmus became infected last year, and I had to have it removed. It was a dreadful experience.

Ornate

I love jazz. In fact, Ornate Coleman is one of my favorite musicians.

Philistine

Do you know what I really admire about Bill Gates? He’s one of the most generous Philistines of our time.

Felafel

I prefer to use a felafel in the shower. It’s great for exfoliation.

Diversify

I dislike election season. I feel that politics only diversify the people.

Coffee and Thunderstorms

I have difficulty sleeping. I lay in bed for hours tossing and turning. Every little sound wakes me up. It’s always been that way. Not sleeping well has become part of my personality. I’m shy. I’m quirky. I’m a bad sleeper. That’s why when my husband started claiming that I was just dreaming about not sleeping instead of not sleeping in reality, it really threw me for a loop.

My husband claims that on all those nights that I didn’t sleep a wink, I was snoring away. Yes, sometimes I snore, but it’s a very nice lady-like snore that sounds like fluttering angel wings.

Recently, the dog has been keeping me up. If he sleeps in our room he moves around and breathes too much, and if he sleeps someplace else in the house he still moves around and breathes. When I ask my husband if all that moving around and breathing bothers him he just looks at me like I’m crazy. “Would you rather he didn’t move or breathe because maybe we should’ve gotten a stuffed dog instead.”

He’s got a point. I never considered the stuff dog option before–less walking, less feeding, less poop. The downside is that I’d have to work a whole lot harder to annoy a stuffed dog, and everyone knows I like to work as little as possible.

Last night I swore I smelled the dog brewing coffee in the kitchen. I sat bolt upright in bed and said to my husband, “He’s making coffee.”

My husband groaned and rolled over, and I ran to the kitchen. The dog was in there, but he was just wagging his tail. There didn’t seem to be any coffee brewing, but he could’ve have been hiding it.

After that I kept smelling coffee, and then there was a thunderstorm. I just couldn’t get back to sleep.

My husband thinks this was all a dream, but why would I dream about the dog making coffee? It really happened. That’s why my brain has been mush all day. That’s why I can’t seem to form complete sentences. At least that’s what I’m telling people when they ask. I’m tired because there was a thunderstorm and my dog kept making coffee last night. It makes sense, right?

I’m a Winner

I always say that I hate contests, but the truth is the only reason I hate them is because I never win them. Well, I can’t say that anymore because just last week I stopped being a loser and started being a winner.

I’m not just talking about becoming the International World State Pushup Champion. That win came on the heels of my first win, the win that turned my life around. I won a contest sponsored by Southernerds. Here I am with all of my winnings.

SONY DSC

Yes, I have swag and you don’t. Don’t worry though, you can buy your own nerdy swag on their website. It won’t be as good as mine though because you bought yours, but you can pretend.

I know some of you out there have never been winners. No, winning a three legged race when you were in fourth grade doesn’t count because you had to share the prize with someone else, and I saw you trip the other team just inches from the finish line.

Since you haven’t been a winner before you’re probably wondering how it feels. There’s only one way to describe it. It feels gosh darn amazing.

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