The other day I saw a very large black snake slither into the lemongrass plant that I thought the rats were living in. This could mean one of two things. Either there were never any rats and all the movement I’ve seen in the plant has been a snake all along or a snake has discovered the rats and is chowing down on them. If the latter is true the snake has won because I keep seeing it around the yard. I’m not sure which is better, rats or snakes. Why can’t something pleasant live in my yard like bunnies or unicorns?
So I finally broke down and joined Instagram. The social pressure (that I totally created in my head) was just too much and I couldn’t take it anymore. So I signed up … twice, because I decided to change my username.
There are a lot of self-portraits or what the young people call selfies on Instagram. That made me think that maybe I should try taking a few selfies too.
Why is it that everyone else in the world seems to look great in a picture taken on their cell phone? I don’t know how they do it. When I take a selfie I look like an eighty-four-year-old woman with a facial deformity. Do I really have that many chins?
I’ve tried different angles and they just don’t seem to work. If I were technically advanced enough to transfer pictures from my cell phone to my computer I’d share some examples of bad photos here. Too bad I’m not willing to take the time to figure that out … not even for comedy.
A cell phone camera held at arm’s length just seems to magnify every wrinkle, line, freckle, and blackhead on my face. It’s insane. Maybe I’ve reached the cutoff age for taking selfies. Maybe the mirrors in my house lie and this is what I really look like. Maybe I should never turn a camera on myself again.
Instagram is hard. I should stick to pictures of sunsets and my dog. Dogs always look good in pictures.
If you’re on Instagram follow me. I may or may not continue posting pictures. Don’t you just love my commitment.
You would think using a tape gun would be easy. Well it’s not. It’s especially not easy when your dog is barking at you because he doesn’t like the tape gun. Maybe he thinks it’s a real gun. Maybe he just senses my stress and would like to add to it.
I bought a tape gun because everyone seems to think that using one will make it so much easier to pack the millions of boxes I have to ship out everyday. I was excited when I got it because I’m all about simplifying my life.
Anyway, it should be called a make-all-the-tape-crooked-and-bumpy gun because that’s what seems to happen every time I use it. At first I thought I’d just loaded the tape wrong, so I checked. I hadn’t. The tape is loaded as per instructions. I complained to my husband this faulty device because that’s what husbands are for.
Me: This thing doesn’t work right. (Throwing the tape gun on the bed like a tantruming toddler.)
My husband: (Picks it up and tapes a box closed perfectly) Works fine for me. You must not be using it right.
He’s such a smarty pants. He thinks he knows everything about tape and guns. I’m back to using a plane roll of tape to close my boxes. It works best for me.
I was thinking about buying in an actual gun, but if my experience with tape guns is any indication of how that would go I guess I should just buy the bullets and skip the gun part. An intruder would run away if someone started throwing bullets at them, wouldn’t they?
Note: I would never buy an actual gun … unless it was a laser gun … and it was pink … and it was on sale for 99 cents.
Another Note: I’m taping up so many boxes these days because I’ve been selling random items on eBay to make end meet.
One more thing: I don’t think it’s physically possible for my ends to meet. Maybe I should do more yoga.
Do you remember when Martha Stewart spent time in prison? I’m not sure if she was convicted of insider trader or making me feel guilty about the state of my house. Personally, I think the latter offense deserves a much longer sentence than she actually got.
When she was released from prison a reporter asked her what she missed most while she was in the joint and Stewart responded, “Lemons.” When the reporter asked if that was it she said, “Just lemons. Oh and my friends and family of course.”
Some people thought that her response was cold hearted. How could you only miss a lemons in jail?
Those people don’t understand the true joy of a lemon. Not only can you use it to make lemonade, but a squeeze of lemon can enliven a sauce or make a glass of water that much more refreshing. Oh the humble lemon, it may make your mouth pucker, but it makes your heart dance with joy.
You may be wondering why I’m going on about lemons. I recently discovered dried lemons. If you thought a fresh lemon was something to write home about baby you ain’t seen nothing yet. Dried lemons will make your stew taste so good your head will spin. Trust me on this.
I made Persian stew the other day with dried lemons that was so good that I was starting to think that I didn’t really make it at all. Maybe some little elves scampered into the kitchen when I wasn’t looking and added a little bit of this and a little bit of that to make the stew a little bit of heaven.
Then I made a chickpea and veggie tagine with dried lemons that was so good my head nearly exploded. Trust me that’s really good.
This is all great news because as of late I’ve been in a bit of a cooking slump. I might just start putting dried lemons in everything.
Here’s a Daily Show clip from when Martha Stewart got out of jail to brighten your day.
I don’t use toothpaste. I assure you that I don’t have dragon breath so don’t run away yet, hear me out. I don’t use toothpaste because I make my own tooth powder at home. I have two recipes that I use. I could share them with you if you like. I also make my own moisturizer and deodorant. I’ve been thinking about learning to make soap and shampoo bars too.
Yeah, I’m one of those people. You know the kind that avoids prepackaged foods, ferments vegetables, and filters the fluoride out of her drinking water. I consume raw dairy, feed my family organ meat, don’t store my food in plastic, and talk about the virtues of a wide palate. In short, I’m weird. I think some people call it being crunchy. I just call it being me.
I’ve been living this way for so long that I forget that it’s not normal until a situation arises that makes me realize how abnormal I am. Recently, I decided to try a new business venture that relied on me being normal. Let’s just say that it didn’t work out.
I was going to sell things on Amazon via Amazon’s Fulfillment program. There are plenty of people doing this and making really good money at it. Two of the best categories to try to sell in are the grocery and person care categories. Selling products that people need and buy regularly gets you more sales. The problem was that I didn’t really think this whole thing through.
When it came down to it buying a bunch of buy-one-get-one-free cake mixes from Winn Dixie to sell to people went against everything I believe in. Buying toothpaste from the Dollar Tree (one of my most hated stores) that is full of chemicals you really shouldn’t be putting into your month and selling it at a higher rate on Amazon was just too much for me to handle.
If any of you are interested in selling things on Amazon using the FBA program I encourage you to look into it. You don’t have to sell groceries. You could sell toys or books or live worms. It’s not for me right now. I’m already spread too thin and when I really think about it, I’d rather sell my own homemade personal care line on Etsy … one day … in the future … once I figure some things out … and get my act together … which might never happen.
Note: I’m thinking about starting a worm farm because who doesn’t like worms and farms?
Okay, I only said that a couple of times, and it was just to make me feel like I wasn’t missing out on anything. In reality, I was constantly saying that one day in the future I would get a smartphone. My phone would be the smartest of all smartphones. I would be able to use it with ease proving once and for all my truly advanced intellectual abilities. Well my friends that day has come.
On February 1, 2014 I walked right up to a phone kiosk in the mall and after having a lengthy conversation with the man behind the counter about earlobe stretching got myself my very own smartphone. I set my prepaid dumb phone aside and starting living the cosmopolitan life. I suddenly became smartish.
That’s right, now I can use my phone to do important things like check Facebook, tweet, and upload pictures to Instagram. Life has never been better. I can make sure the traffic is clear on my way to my destination and I’m constantly aware of the weather conditions. All I have to do is figure out how to answer it when someone calls me and I’ll be set.
Photo by Dave Lawler
So it finally happened. Nebulous Mooch has become yet another abandoned blog on the internet that you stumble upon one day, read a few posts, laugh, cry, and then wonder what happened. Why did she stop writing? Did she ever realize her dreams of climbing mount Everest or learning to speak Greek? I know the suspense is killing you.
Since the last post that was written on this blog some time last month, I’ve become fluent in Greek and Mongolian, earned a third degree black belt in Karate, started free diving and free running, won the world record for eating the most Twinkies in a single sitting, climbed Mount Everest, and learned to play the guitar … again. As you can see it’s been a busy few weeks.
If you want to be able to do all of that in a few weeks too, boy do I have some tips for you. First make a list of the goals you wish to accomplish. Nothing is too big. The world is your oyster. Let the sky be your limit. Now that you have your list, look at it everyday, and imagine yourself accomplishing each task. Act as if you’ve accomplished your goals already. Your mind is an amazing thing. Before you know it you’ll believe you’ve already done everything you’ve set out to do. The best part is that you won’t really have to do anything, but sit around thinking.
The only thing I really did on my list was learn to play the guitar and learn to speak Mongolian. The other stuff all happened in my head which is almost like the real world except it’s mushier and a bit more cluttered.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to make this sorry excuse for a blog useful. So far I haven’t had much luck, so it’s back to the drawing board.
“When it’s time to change, then its time to change
Don’t fight the tide, come along for the ride, don’t you see
When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange
who you are into what you’re gonna be.
Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na
Sha na na na, na na na na na, sha na na na na” ~ The Brady Bunch
2013 is drawing to a close, and as we usher in 2014 we have a chance to reflect upon our lives, our goals, and our waistlines. Before writing this post I took about a half a second to look back at the goals I made at the beginning of 2013. Okay, when I say goals I really mean goal because I only had one. Unfortunately, I failed to achieve it.
So I didn’t win the lottery. I was so sure I would this year. You would think that if you purchase two lottery tickets during the course of a year odds are that one of those two would be a million dollar winner. Alas, it just wasn’t meant to be. I spent a whole four dollars and got nothing in return.
This year I’m ready to make a change. I’m through with the lottery. It makes me itch. Instead, I’ve decided to make this blog, Nebulous Mooch, useful this year. That’s right. This year I’ll be freely sharing advice with you. No more useless tips. This will be the year of useful tips that matter because when it’s time to change you’ve got to rearrange. I’ve got some rearranging to do this year, and I don’t just mean moving the sofa to the opposite wall in the living room. I mean helping you live the most nebulous moochy life possible.
Happy New Year. I’ll see you next year.