A New Job

I’ve been trying to come up with a good way to earn a little extra money. It would have to be something that challenged me both mentally and physically. It would also have to pay at least $94.13 an hour. Anything less than that isn’t really worth my time.

That’s why I decided to try out to be a cheerleader for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. First of all it requires tons of memorization. You have to learn cheers and dance steps. Have you seen me dance yet? Oh yeah you have …

My memorization skills are spectacular. That’s why it took me almost a year to memorize my cell phone number.

The job would also require some acting because I’d have to pretend I was interested in football. Anyone who’s seen my You Tube channel knows that my acting skill are second to none. Every year that I’m not nominated for an Oscar I’m shocked. What in the world is wrong with the members of the Academy?

I have all the skills necessary to be a cheerleader. I was going to call the folks at One Buccaneer Place to let them know that I’m available to lead some cheers next season when I found out how little cheerleaders get paid. That’s nowhere near the $94.13 an hour I require. It looks like it’s back to the drawing board.

I wonder how much pilots make. They are responsible for many lives so it must be tons, right? I’m sure I could fly a plane. I mean how hard could it be?

My Favorite Cold Remedy

My daily cup of astragalus and ginger tea wasn’t enough to ward off the sore throat I had the other day. I hate getting a cold because for me it’s usually accompanied by a cough that lasts for a few months. Since I’d only just gotten rid of the cough from my last cold, I knew it was time to break out the big guns–garlic tea. You heard me right.

I’m the master of tea and garlic tea is a sure fire way to kick that cold right out of your system. Here’s the recipe:

Ingredients:

  • 2 1/2 cups water
  • 12 cloves garlic minced
  • juice from 1 lemon
  • honey to taste

Put your garlic and water in a pot. Bring to boil. Turn down heat and let simmer for ten minutes. Remove from heat and add lemon juice and honey. Strain into a cup and sip it throughout the day like a boss.

Pros of drinking garlic tea:

Get rid of colds fast.
Torture your significant other with your garlic breath.

Cons of drinking garlic tea:

It’s garlic tea.

Eylexion – My First Attempt at Writing a Commercial

Woman sitting on a sofa reading the newspaper. She throws paper down in disgust and looks in the camera.

WOMAN:  All this blinking makes it hard to read the newspaper.

ANNOUNCER:  The average person blinks ten times per minute. That’s means that you spend nearly three hours a day with your eyes closed. Imagine how much of your life you miss in three hours.

(Emotional music swells.)

Images flash on the screen of young baby laying in crib, a young girl having a tea party with teddy bears in a pink bedroom, a young woman walking down the aisle in a wedding dress. 

(Fade to white.)

 Camera focuses on a bottle Eylexion eye drops against a white background

ANNOUNCER: Because the people here at Nova Pharmaceuticals don’t want you to miss the most important moments of your life we’ve created Eylexion Eye drops.

Just put a drop of Eylexion in each eye every ten minutes and you’ll never have to blink again.

(Upbeat music plays quietly in the background.)

Man sits wide-eyed watching a football game on television.

MAN:  Now I never miss a single play. Thanks Eylexion.

Woman from the beginning of the commercial puts drops in her eyes and picks up the newspaper.

WOMAN: Now that I don’t have to blink reading the newspaper is easy. Thanks Eylexion.

(Fade to white. Upbeat music rises in volume.)

People of all ages and races dancing in a field. They look very happy and are having a party.

ANNOUNCER:  Eylexion was tested on poor people so we know it’s completely safe for you to use. Do not use Eylexion if you have chronic dry eye, an eye infection, brown eyes, five fingers on your right hand, or have ever eaten spaghetti. It’s best not to use before driving, reading or doing anything that requires you to see.

Possible side effects include redness of the eyes, high blood pressure, glaucoma, blindness, inability to speak in complete sentences, loss of sex drive, headaches, sensitivity to light, facial ticks, loss of limbs, spontaneous human combustion, and death.

Crowd stops dancing looks at the camera.

(In unison) CROWD: Thanks Eylexion.

(Fade out)

 eylexion

The Camera Hasn’t Broken Yet, But Just Wait …

The thing about getting a new camera is that you actually have to learn how to use it. That’s especially true when my husband is involved. I hate reading manuals. I’m a trial and error kind of gal. I just push all the buttons and hope for the best.

The problem is sometimes that method does more harm than good. It’s a shame when you break something before you even really get to use it. That’s what happened with the little food processor I bought a few weeks ago. To be fair it was from the thrift store and only set me back 2 bucks, but I was hoping it would last more than one use.

When you’re making falafel for a ravenous bunch of cavemen who eat piles of food (my family) you need to make quite a lot. You need to make a lot more than a cute little food processor can handle.

That’s fine. I thought I could just process multiple batches, but there comes a point when the whole multiple batches thing gets old and you just want to get it over with. That’s why I ended up overfilling it.

As I crammed the chickpeas into it I knew what I was doing was not a good idea. I just needed to go out and get a real food processor. I persisted though and as I turned on that small, cute, innocence food processor one last time it squealed in pain. The blade did a few weak rotations and ground to a halt.

It was over. Even when emptied it wouldn’t spin. I’d only had it for two hours and I’d already killed it. I quietly washed it out and stored it in the cupboard hoping that after a brief rest it would revive itself. I just checked and it hasn’t.

A similar thing happened with the blender when I tried to make falafel last month. Maybe it’s a sign.

I was planning on making falafel next week. Since I still haven’t gotten a food processor and I love using the wrong tool for the job I was thinking about using the new camera to mash up the chickpeas this time. That should work. I mean it wouldn’t hurt, right?

falafel

Movember

November is half over and I’ve given up on trying to grow a mustache for Movember. It just wasn’t working out. The hair follicles on my upper lip are lazy.

When I mentioned this to my husband, he was quick to say that he’d grow a mustache this month. That’s not what I wanted to start at all. He tried to grow a mustache for Movember several years ago and all he ended up with a bunch of sharp, clear, polar-bear-style hairs protruding from his face. It was like being hit with a hairbrush every time he tried to kiss me. We’re not doing that again.

I thought that instead of growing a mustache he might be interested in this:

Nothing says I care about men’s health like a red, white, and blue temporary mustache tattoo. He could wear it to his next gig. No one will notice. I mean seriously, when was the last time you noticed the bass player in a band? Never.

I think I might get him a temporary turkey tattoo to put on his back too. It is almost Thanksgiving after all.

American Cheese Month

The month is nearly over and I couldn’t let it go by without acknowledging that it is American Cheese Month. I don’t understand why it isn’t celebrated more widely. People get so caught up in Halloween that they forget the truly great things in life–cheese.

In this home, we shun the Jack O’Laterns, ghosts, witches, and black cats usually prominent in Halloween decorations and opt for classier cheese decor. I’ve found that Kraft American Single Cheese Slices stick nicely to any wall. You can cover an entire wall with them or organize them into a festive checkerboard pattern.

A large block of Swiss cheese can be used as an elegant table centerpiece. Stick flowers in the holes to brighten it up a bit. Fresh flowers are best, but you can use dried or even silk flowers also.

I like to string small wheels of cheddar together and hang them around windows and doorways like garland. Of course you can’t celebrate American Cheese Month without some blue cheese. Leave a few small dishes of crumbled blue cheese around the house. Nothing reminds you of the holidays like that festive cheese smell.

I hope these tips will help you celebrate American Cheese Month right. I’ll be giving out string cheese to trick-or-treaters on Halloween. I hope you consider passing out a cheesy snack to the children as well.

cheese

The Best Royal Baby Names

kateandwillApparently the next Royal is on its way into the world as I write this blog post, and we’re suppose to care. I know this only because the toolbar at the top of my browser keeps showing things like Royal Baby and Kate Middleton as trending searches. It’s nice to have a toolbar that tells me what to care about otherwise I might be in danger of not caring about anything at all.

With the trend in unusual celebrity baby names in full swing, I wonder if William and Kate will follow suit. Naming your child after ordinary household objects is all well and good. No one can resist names like Chandelier, Stereo System, or Sugar Basin, but the best names are completely made up. When coming up with a name nothing beats throwing a few syllables together. Here are a few names we’ve come up with:

Shemple
Commatary
Melonbepple
Harigoten
Brunta (only if it’s a girl)

If they prefer short one syllable names that are direct and to the point, I think they should go with Shab or Frunk.

These are only suggestions, but since everyone knows that the Queen reads this blog they could very well end up being used. I, of course, would like some sort of recognition if they are. Is is possible for a woman to be knighted? Would I get to wear a suit of armor? Could I bring it home with me? I could wear it as protection from the wasps while tending to the plants out front. Just a thought, and we all love thoughts, don’t we?

Photo by tsaiproject

The Mosquito

superheroI’ve recently decided that I should quit this whole blogging thing and dedicate my life to fighting crime. I don’t want to be a police officer or anything like that, I’m thinking more along the lines of becoming a superhero. I’ve been trying to think of a good superhero name and the only thing I’ve been able to come up with is The Mosquito. The name is appropriate for Florida and whenever I’m outside I attract so many mosquitoes that I honestly don’t understand how I’ve managed not to get West Nile Virus or Malaria.

As a superhero, I’d fly to places where crime is taking place and buzz around the bad guys until they become so annoyed that they can’t commit a crime. If my buzzing around doesn’t distract them enough, I’d bite them infecting them with West Nile Virus.

Now that I have a name and a superpower, I need to come up with an outfit. The outfit is the hard part. Of course I’ll have a cape. What’s the point in being a superhero if you don’t have a cape? The problem with superhero outfits is that they are way too revealing. Wonder Woman looks like a stripper. I was thinking about going with the skintight rubbery outfit like Batman. But I’m not into skintight. I have a bit of a belly. So then I was thinking I could keep the rubbery look, but the outfit could be loose and sack-like.

The problem is this is Florida and I’m sure that rubbery stuff doesn’t breathe very well. I’d probably be sweating up a storm in my rubbery superhero suit. All the sweat would collect and I’d be sloshing around like a big water balloon. It would probably totally prevent me from flying. Why does being a superhero have to be so hard? Now I know why Batman never smiles.

Maybe being a superhero isn’t such a good idea. I guess I’ll stick with blogging for now.

Picture by morningshadow.

The New F Word

Because I want to be the best at everything I do, recently I decided to study humor. In case you haven’t noticed, this is a humor blog and to make sure I keep you laughing I have to up my game by studying the best.

So I went to You Tube, the best place to go when you’re trying to study something, and watched a lot of comedians. The only real standout thing that I learned was that apparently you have to use the f-word a whole heck of a lot to be funny. This puts a damper on my plans to up the funny. You see I don’t use the f-word, and I’m not going to start just to get a few extra chuckles out of you.

I’ve been trying to figure out a way around it, and I think I’ve come up with a plan. I’ll just make up my own swear word that starts with an F. After a ton of thinking and random combining of syllables, I’ve come up with the perfect one. How does flappentrop sound to you? I think it’s perfect.

The Partially Bionic Woman

Just the other day I was thinking it would be nice if I had two robotic arms. They would be in addition to my regular arms not in place of them. The robotic arms could attach at the bottom of my ribcage below my normal arms. Imagine how much I could get done with two extra arms. Talk about multitasking!

Cooking dinner while writing a post would be no problem. Darning a sock while watching television would be a breeze. Actually, I guess I wouldn’t need an extra set of arms to do that. Does anyone actually darn socks anymore? Wait, I don’t even have a television. There goes that idea.

I know I could get a ton done with four arms. I’ve never understood why octopi are so unproductive. They have eight arms and they’re supposed to be intelligent. What do they do all day? Swim and hunt, that’s what. I think the average octopus should take up knitting and open an Esty shop. They’d really be able to turn out product. Yes, that scarf you ordered may be a bit wet and salty when it arrives in the mail, but it was made by an octopus. Now that’s something to brag about. At least it is until everyone has one because if all the octopi in the world started selling their knitted goods online the market would eventually be glutted. That hasn’t happened yet though, so I’m not going to worry about it.

Back to my robotic arms … I’d make sure they were super strong that way I’d never need help getting the lid off a jar again. I could just smash them open instead. People could call me The Partially Bionic Woman. I’ve always wanted a nickname. I would probably even get my own reality show on TLC. I’d be like Octomom with less mom and more oco.

Having two robotic arms wouldn’t be all sunshine and sausages though. There would of course be a downside. I’d have a hard time buying shirts at the store and I’m certainly not going to start making my own clothes. Maybe an extra set of arms isn’t such a good idea, but what about an extra set of legs? I could be onto something there.

Related Posts with Thumbnails