Nebulous Mooch

I put my glasses back on last night. I decided that even though everything tends to look better in soft focus–here soft focus really means blurry–being able to see is a bit more practical than not being able to see. I think my insistance on not wearing my glasses was getting on my family’s nerves anyway.

They were getting tired of my need to stand directly in front of the television in order to see anything that was happening on screen. My husband was also getting tired of hearing me say, “I can’t drive because I’m not wearing my glasses.”

Lifetime movies are much easier to figure out if you can actually see the various characters and make out what they are doing. Apparently, being able to see the screen is an important aspect of movie watching…surprise, surprise.

Even though my grandmother has had success using eye exercises to have good vision in her nineties, my vision is already shot. It’s probably too late for me. I’ve decided to put my sights on more obtainable goals like building a robotic housekeeper that cooks delicious ethnic food and cleans the bathroom–not at the same time of course. My robotic housekeeper would clean the other rooms in the house too of course, but the bathroom is the room I hate cleaning the most.

When I was in fourth grade I got my first pair of glasses. I still remember the first day I wore them to school. I was so shocked by how clear everything looked. All that time I’d thought that everyone else saw the world in blurry shapes just like I did. I remember saying to my mother, “Wow! Trees aren’t just blobs of green. They have individual leaves.”

I wasn’t the kid who desperately wanted to get rid of my glasses so I could be one of the cool girls. I though glasses were cool. I thought I looked great in them. That is until my husband got lasik eye surgery.

I would never get an eye operation. Just mentioning eye operations now is making my eyes tear up, but I don’t want to wear my glasses any more. I’ve decided to deal with this problem by trying Bates Exercises.

The Bates Method is a series of exercises that are supposed to improve your eyesight. The theory is that the muscles around your eyes can change the shape of your eyes to improve your ability to focus. Bates developed a series of eye exercise you could do to train the muscles around your eyes improving your vision.

I decided to start doing these exercises. Well, that’s not exactly the truth. I’ve decided to make up my own exercises because I’m too lazy to look up what the Bates Exercises actually  are. I also really like making things up, like stories, dances and dessert recipes. My made-up cookies are pretty darn good, I think I could accomplish equally good results with made up eye exercises.

When I’m in the car with my husband at night I take off my glasses and concentrate really hard on seeing. I’m not driving when I do this my husband is. It’s a good thing too because as soon as I take off my glasses all I can see is a bunch of streaky lights that look like snow flakes. I’ve put myself on a strict eye exercise routine. My husband says that the exercises just look like I’m making a really serious face, but that’s because he can’t see the tiny movements that are actually going on in my eye muscles. I do this for about 1 minute twice a week.

Is it working? Of course it is. Now when I walk around without glasses, I can see slightly more detailed blobs of color in the distance. Okay, that’s not true either, but I figure that if I pretend it’s working it will work…eventually.

I love blog comments. This blog doesn’t get many and that’s fine. I’m not complaining about my lack of comments, I’m just saying that I love comments. Don’t feel guilty or like you’re being pushed into leaving a comment. Seriously, don’t.

Sometimes I get really funny comments from people who are spamming my blog. That means they’re just trying to get a link for their website, but they haven’t actually read the blog post they are commenting on. Just the other day I got this funny comment on my Santa Mouse post from someone named Destiny.

I don’t know where you get your informatio-n but the Grand Hotel in Jerome, Arizona was NOT a former insane asylum — it was a hospital. I should know because I was BORN there (1939). Like most hospitals it did have a pyschiatri-c ward but it was primarily a hospital not an Insane asylum!!

Thanks for clearing that up, Destiny. I really appreciate it. Next time I travel back in time to 1939 to have a nervous breakdown in Jerome, Arizona, I’ll know not to go to the Grand Hotel.

I just looked up a picture of the Grand Hotel and I have to say that it does look like it might have been an insane asylum. Something about the red roof is screaming padded rooms and straight jackets to me.

I partied like a rock star this New Year’s Eve–a rock star who does yoga and watches made-for-TV movies. Someone once told me that how you spend New Year’s Eve determines what you’ll be doing during the upcoming year. If that’s the case, I’ll be very flexible and I’ll know a lot about serial killers.

This year is bitter sweet for me. You see I love the number 12 because it is one less than 13 and because 1 plus 2 equals 3 which of course is the magic number. That’s the sweet part, in case you couldn’t figure that out. The bitter part is this whole end of the world thing. I’m not sure why people are putting so much trust in the Mayan calender, I mean what have the ancient Mayans done recently? I don’t even think they managed to mark my birthday down on that thing.

If the world is really going to end this year, there are a bunch of things I need to get done before 12-21-12 (that’s 21-12-12 for my UK friends). I should go through my important papers file and get rid of the papers that aren’t really that important. I’m sure there is something else I needed to get done too. What was it? Oh yeah, I really should back up my computer. Other than that I think I’m all set for the end of the world.

We went tot he beach the other day because it was beautiful out and we thought the beach at sunset would be nice. It was nice to look at. I took a lot of pictures, but it wasn’t really the best experience. Why? I’ll tell you.

A swarm of devil flying ants landed on us and bit us with their evil little ant jaws. I didn’t know anything was wrong until I suddenly I felt like something was stabbing me in the back. My husband looked down the back of my t-shirt and saw that I was covered in flying ants. Those horrid creatures were trying to build a nest on my back.

I’m still suffering from the ant bites that itch like you wouldn’t believe. I didn’t even realize I was so attractive to ants. The next time you have an ant problem in your house invite me over. I’ll lay on the floor and they’ll all run to me. I’m the perfect environmentally friendly, living ant trap. I wonder how much I can charge for that service.

Anyway, here are the pictures I took at the beach. No ants appear in the pictures.

Christmas in our house isn’t very eventful, but this year something tragic almost occurred. My mother decided to retire Santa Mouse. When my sister found out she was not very happy.

“I don’t care if you have to take something out of the trash and put a yellow ribbon around it, we have to have hear the Santa Mouse story,” my sister said and she was serious.

With that my mother disappeared into the bedroom for a few minutes. When she came out she had Christmas tree ornaments wrapped in yellow napkins that she handed out to all of us. She told the story. Santa Mouse isn’t going into retirement yet, not if we can help it.

When I was about thirteen my parents stopped putting up a Christmas tree. Don’t think that I was abused and deprived of Christmas. My sister and I were included in the decision. Even though we shunned the Christmas trees and Christmas wreaths there was one Christmas tradition that my mother just couldn’t get rid of…Santa Mouse.

You’ve never heard of Santa Mouse? Well let me tell you the story.

Santa has always been a bit sloppy with his food. He spills crumbs all over the floor. To maintain his hefty physique, he has to eat some pretty rich food. Needless to say Santa’s house is the perfect residence for a mouse or two. 

There is one little mouse who used to watch Santa happily filling his sleigh with presents every year and that mouse would say to the other mice, “That looks like so much fun. I wish I could give people presents and make them smile.” 

Normally, people don’t smile when they see a mouse..especially not a mouse in their house. Normally, they shriek with disgust and jump on a chair. That’s why the mice have to try their best to stay out of sight. This mouse didn’t want to scare people though. He wanted to make them smile. 

One year, he decided that he was ready to leave the North Pole with Santa to deliver a very special present to a little boy or girl. He had his mother make him a little red hat just like Santa’s and he wrapped up the perfect little present and tied it with a yellow ribbon. “Call me Santa Mouse,” he told the other mice in Santa’s house. 

When Santa had finished packing his sleigh, Santa Mouse jumped on board and hid amongst the presents. It didn’t take long before the sleigh took off. The ride was bumpy and Santa Mouse found himself wishing that he’d taken something for motion sickness before stowing away. He crawled out from under the presents to stand on the edge of the sleigh hoping that feeling the wind on his face would ease his nausea. As he did, the sleigh hit some turbulence and Santa Mouse went tumbling out landing in a giant snow drift. His present landed a few inches from him.

It was call and Santa Mouse was scared because he’d never been any place but the North Pole. He didn’t know how he would possibly find his way back to his friends and family again. Just as he was about to clasp in the snow in despair, he noticed a house in the distance. The house was all lit up with Christmas lights so Santa Mouse knew that Santa must be going to that house. It was far for a mouse to walk, especially clutching a present and holding his hat to make sure it didn’t blow off. Finally he made it to the house and was able to sneak inside. Sneaking in was no problem for him. It is second nature for mice. 

The house had a beautiful big Christmas tree and it was so nice and warm in there. Santa Mouse climbed up into the Christmas tree to wait for Santa. In the warmth, he started getting sleepy and before he knew it he fell asleep. 

“Ho, ho, ho,” Santa bellowed awaking Santa Mouse with a start. Santa Mouse scurried down the tree and climbed unnoticed into Santa’s sack. When Santa put his sack in the sleigh Santa Mouse climbed out and got a ride all the way back to the North Pole. Can you guess what the little boy who lived in the house where Santa Mouse slept found in his Christmas tree the next morning? He found a tiny little present wrapped with a yellow ribbon.

If you ever find a little present with a yellow bow in your tree, you’ll know that Santa Mouse has stopped at your house.

That’s the story. Since we no longer had a Christmas tree my mother would wrap a little present with a yellow ribbon for each of us and hide them in the shrubs in the front yard. Every Christmas morning we’d all have to go out in the yard in our pajamas  to hear the Santa Mouse story and get our gifts. It’s very cold on Christmas morning in New Jersey and I swear my mother made the story longer every year, but it was still a great Christmas tradition.

Painting by HikingArtist.com

I forgot to put the files for my video intro on my laptop before I left the UK. Anyway, here’s a video with no great intro music.

The other night I watched a high quality movie on the iPlayer called, Right At Your Door. Actually the high quality part is a bit of an exaggeration. I should just say that I watched a movie.

Spoiler alert: If you are planning to watch Right at Your Door don’t read this post. Chances are you are not planning to watch it and reading this post won’t spoil anything for you. 

The story is about this guy here. His name is Brad or Brian or something that starts with a Br. Brad/Brian and I share similar tastes in shower curtains. Anyway, Brad/Brian is at home minding his own business when suddenly there is a biological terrorist attack on Los Angeles. Brad/Brian just happens to live in LA, so he is a bit concerned.

His wife Lexie is at work in downtown LA and Brad/Brian decides try to find her. Brad/Brian is a musician so he doesn’t have to be anywhere to work during the day and has the luxury of sleeping until 1 in the afternoon.

He tries to go downtown to find Lexie, but some police wearing gas masks stop him and tell him to go home. After seeing them  shoot some guy for no apparent reason, he decides to heed their advice and goes back home.

Once he gets home some random guy comes running into his house. He’s the handyman who works next store. He is locked out of the house he’s working on and the radio said that everyone needs to go inside.  He was wandering if he could stay in the house with Brad/Brian until this whole terrorist attack thing blows over. Brad/Brian says yes. Then the radio tells them to seal up the house by covering up all doors, window, vents, fireplaces, doggy doors and any other openings in the house with duct tape and plastic. At this point I’m looking around my home and thinking I don’t have nearly enough plastic to protect me if there is a biological attack. Heck, I don’t even have any duct tape.

They finally get the house sealed up and then Lexie shows up looking a mess. I guess that’s understandable though since was just in a terrorist attack.

 Brad/Brian won’t let her in though because the radio says that once you seal up your house you have to stay inside and that everyone outside is contaminated and must stay outside. Brad/Brian is distressed. If she had shown up five minutes earlier she could’ve come inside, but now that the house is sealed he can’t let her in. So Lexie gets mad and breaks a window, but Brad/Brian quickly tapes it up. Brad/Brian has become lightning fast with duct tape and plastic.

Meanwhile, handyman guy can’t get in touch with his wife on the phone and decides to leave the house to try to find her. This means he has to un-tape the front door to leave, but Brad/Brian still refuses to let Lexie in.

…but they do have some touching moments through the glass of the plastic covered back door where Brad/Brian talks about how much he loves her and how sorry his is.

Then this dude shows up and he must be an ex-boyfriend or something because Brad/Brian is not happy to see him at all. He convinces Lexie to leave with him to go to the hospital. Brad/Brian keeps yelling for her not to leave with him, but he’s sealed up inside the house so she ignores him and leaves.

It’s a good thing she left because the military shows up looking for infected people and they don’t seem like they want to help anyone by giving them medicine. They test the air inside the house and ask Brad/Brian a bunch of questions.

Lexie comes back the next morning. She couldn’t get into the hospital because it was too crowded and that other dude got hit by a car or something.

They have lots of sensitive moments talking through the glasses about the life they could’ve had together.

Suddenly the military guys come back and they drag Lexie away from the house. Brad/Brian is upset and yells for them to stop, but he can’t do anything really because he’s in a sealed house.

Then the military starts boarding up the house’s doors and window’s with Brad/Brian inside. They say that the test shows that levels of the virus from the biological attack is unusually high in the home and he is a carrier of the disease.

They cover the house with one of those big exterminator tents and pump poisonous gas into the house killing Brad/Brian.

Lexie is just fine and is told she’ll make a speedy recovery.

Needless to say, after I saw that movie my husband was in big trouble. When he got home from his gig I told him that he better not seal himself up in the house and leave me outside if there is a biological terrorist attack. This movie serves as a warning to musician husbands everywhere…If you lock you wife out of the house during a biological terrorist attack you’re probably going to die. Learn the lesson now before it’s too late.

Sorry guys, but there is no video today. My husband is very enthusiastic about packing and most of our home is in boxes. He has arranged most of them in the bedroom because he’s trying to figure out how to pack them into the storage unit. So really I guess I’m the only one with the organizational skills of a tadpole in this house. Don’t worry I won’t show you the toad video ago.

I have something even better than a toad video this time. Here are some great tips about how to slow grind the next time you’re in a dance club. Nothing nasty here. These time are for respectful slow grinding.