Hooray, It’s Columbus Day

I’m pretty sure today is Columbus Day, but don’t quote me on that because I’m still not completely sure about the exact date of Christmas. New Year’s Day is pretty easy to figure out and so is Halloween, but all the other holidays are a mystery to me. I’d like to blame my lack of holiday awareness on working for myself, but to tell you the truth, I’ve never been sure about which holidays happen when. Heck, I have a hard enough time keeping track of the days of the week.

Columbus Day is kind of a non-holiday holiday anyway. It’s like President’s Day, but worse. Even before we used to have atrocities at dinner I was aware that we really had no business celebrating this holiday. But, how do people celebrate anyway? I don’t think many people even get off from work anymore. There might be a parade for it somewhere and children might learn a bunch of heroic half truths about Columbus in school. I’m sure somewhere someone is using it as an excuse to have a barbecue.

No one on my block seems to be celebrating. I just went out front and looked down the street to check. There are no extra flags out and no dance parties in front yards. Someone the next block down is mowing their lawn which might be how he celebrates Columbus Day, but I kind of doubt it.

Since it seems that people are unsure as to how to celebrate this holiday, I’ve come up with some suggestions.


1. Claim some territory. Is there a house in your neighborhood that you think is a bit better than where you currently reside? I think it’s about time for you to discover it. Move right in. Never mind the people already living there. They’re just savages who don’t know what to do with a nice house like that anyway. Do they have a nice car and some cute kids? You can go ahead and discover those too. Take it all. You deserve it.

2. Enslave somebody. Now that’s how you celebrate. Anyone off the street will do.

3. Maim some people. Some people just won’t agree to enslavement. I just don’t understand why. If you encounter resistance try maiming and killing a few people as an example for the others.

4. Steal some gold. I don’t know how easy that will be these days. You might have to settle for some useless American paper money. Robbing a bank will probably do. I find that robbery is easiest if you get your slaves to do it for you.

5. Spread disease. Do you ever find that there are just way too many people to conquer? No problem. Kill them off with a disease that they have no way to defend themselves against. That’s way easier then actually fighting them.

Those are my five. If you think of any other ways to celebrate, let me know in the comments.