I’m working on getting my act together again. So it’s time to restart picture day.
It’s December 4th and the war on Christmas has already begun. Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner? I love a good war especially a good pretend one.
I’ve been trying to figure out what one might wear to properly fight a war on a holiday and I’m thinking that if I pair some camouflage pants with an oversized Christmas sweater that might work. I think I have a Christmas ornament in a box in the closet. I could throw it at someone whilst yelling “Happy Holidays.” Or am I supposed to be yelling “Merry Christmas?” The problem is that I have no idea who the enemy is. I wouldn’t want to assault the wrong person with a glitter covered pine cone or yell the wrong joyful phrase.
Wars on holidays suck. It’s all too vague. If only I had a copy of Mannheim Steamroller Christmas. I heard that if I play the album backwards I’d find out everything I need to help win this war. Or maybe I’ll find out how to make a perfect chocolate souffle. Either way a copy of the album could be useful. Eggnog would be useful too, but I’m too tired to go to the store. Wouldn’t it be good if you could download eggnog?
There’s only one thing I like better than Black Friday. That’s Cyber Monday.
For any of you who just don’t know, Cyber Monday is the Monday after Thanksgiving. On this magical day online retailers have their ginormous sales. So let’s make sure you have this straight, on Black Friday you can go to Walmart and trample an elderly woman just to save a hundred dollars on a flat screen television, but on Monday you’ll be able to save a hundred dollars on a flat screen television, avoid the crowds, and get it delivered to your door. The downside is that there is no trampling and what’s the holidays if no one gets trampled?
You may be thinking that Cyber Monday sounds like no fun at all. After all you bought a taser last year with the express purpose of trying it out on a twelve-year-old boy while snatching the latest game console from his greedy little hands at the Best Buy’s Black Friday sale. While I agree that most twelve year boys need a good tasing and Best Buy is an ideal place for such activities, it’s my responsibility as a conscientious citizen to let you know that you are wasting your time with the small stuff.
What I’m about to share with you will change your Christmases forever. It does take a bit of planning and might be too late for you to pull off this year, but once you know you’ll be able to get ready for next year. You’ll need to know a bit of coding to get this done, but one year should get you enough time learn that. Coding is a breeze after all. If you’re too busy to learn the coding you could always hire someone from oDesk to do the programing for you and pay him about 10 bucks.
All you have to do is put up a website that advertises Cyber Monday sales. Now Suzzy Sunshine is online looking for a great deal and she happens upon your site. As she clicks around that program you paid 10 bucks to have some sap at oDesk make for you goes into action retrieving her banking information. Once you have all the secret passwords and account numbers, transfer a few thousand from her kid’s college fund into your bank account and you’re good to go. She’ll never really use that money anyway. You checked out her Facebook account and her kid doesn’t look smart enough to get into college.
Rinse and repeat all day. All week if you can. Before you know it you’ll have enough money spend your Christmas sipping cocktails on a beach in Hawaii. Unless you already live in Hawaii then you’ll probably want to go somewhere else.
I’m sharing this tip with you because I’m nice that way. I like to help people out. It’s all in the spirit of giving as they say. So try this out next year and do me just one favor, if you get caught you didn’t hear this from me.
All this talk about Black Friday has made me realize that people really like sales. I don’t blame them. Who doesn’t want to get something for cheap? Well … besides me.
I avoid sales like the plague because I associate them with crowds of people standing near me while I’m trying to shop. How can you decide whether the white tank top or the cream tank top is better suited for your complexion when some annoying person is standing a foot from you clanking hangers around on the clearance rack and doing all that gosh darn breathing? Why does everyone have to breathe so much? I just don’t understand it.
I avoid sales in the shops, but recently I realized that I can happily buy sale items online, and the only breathing I have to hear while doing it is coming from Chompyface. Even though his breathing was an issue for me at first, I’ve gotten used to it now.
The other day, I realized that have the power to have a Black Friday sale myself. So starting today my novels, The Box and Flying Lessons, are on sale across all platforms for a $0.99. That’s right! So get them while the getting is good. The sale will end on Monday at midnight.
Henry and his daughter, Chandra, are stuck. Haunted by the past, they sleepwalk through life until unexpected relationships shake up their perceptions of reality. Henry’s new friendship with a neighbor blurs the boundaries between the living and the dead, and Chandra starts to see possibilities she’s never noticed before.
What people are saying …
[Flying Lessons] is very well written, the story line moves along seamlessly and culminates beautifully. The characters are well developed and it is easy to identify with them. The author shows great talent and I look forward to reading her other books. The book was truly unputdownable for me and I read it in one sitting … Joana James from Book Wormz
It’s always nice to step away from a book type and experience something different. I have found that amazing difference in Flying Lessons … Melissa Ringsted from There for You
Get it today for $0.99
When Tom offers Indy two thousand dollars to transport a mysterious box across the country, she reluctantly agrees to do it. She doesn’t really need the money, but could use some adventure in her life. Accompanied by her ex-boyfriend, Koji, and flower child friend, Eve, Indy embarks on a journey that is bound to be anything but ordinary.
Not too long after their trip gets underway, they come to the realization that the box holds a force beyond their control. Will they make it to their destination? Will they lose their sanity or maybe even their lives in the process?
Get it for $0.99.
Happy Thanksgiving folks:)
This post appears in the Hump Day Hook Up.
So it’s Monday and you still haven’t bought your Thanksgiving turkey. That could mean only one of three things:
I guess it wouldn’t have to be one of those three things. I’m sure you could have any combination of them going on. You could be a Cambodian who tried turkey once when you were a foreign exchange student in Michigan and thought that it was so awful that you became a vegetarian right there on the spot.
I just thought of a fourth thing to add to that list. You could be me. I’ve chosen to ignore all holidays because they only mark the cruel passage of time. Instead of gorging myself on holiday delights until I can no longer button my trousers, I’ll be training for the professional shopping that is the other holiday tradition. I’ll knock your turkey-and-pie-eating behinds over to get to that ridiculously low priced HD television. Forgoing the traditional holiday turkey will leave me just hungry enough to be extra ruthless.
The good thing about this shopping tradition is that it requires no cooking and there’s no mess to clean up in the kitchen afterwards. You may get pushed, punched, trampled, tasered, or maybe even stabbed, but isn’t it all worth it for the terrific savings?
Last year, I lost my left eye in a scuffle at Best Buy, but I did get an iPhone for a hundred bucks. That’s a steal. I hardly ever used my left eye anyway.
That story isn’t completely true. I don’t have an iPhone and though I do like to wear an eye patch to formal events I still have both of my eyes. While I’m confessing, I guess I should also admit that I’ve never been shopping on Black Friday in my whole entire life. We don’t have a turkey though. That much is true. I don’t plan on getting one. I might make taco salad on Thanksgiving.
Someone bought the house next door to us. I noticed the sale pending sign on it a few weeks ago and immediately went into panic mode. Most everything sends me into panic mode, but the idea of new neighbors seems particularly terrifying.
What if they are members of a deaf metal band whose perfectionism compels them they rehearse constantly? What if they are serial killers who bury the bodies of their victims in their backyard? What if they are a family of clowns who wear their clown suits and makeup while doing yard work? Even worse, what if those clowns make balloon animals and try to give them to me?
We fixed our fence the other day in preparation for the new neighbors. Two of the posts had rotted and it was leaning against the neighbor’s fence.
My husband and I make a good team because he’s such a perfectionist and I’m so impatient. Fixing the fence involved string lines and levels and standing in the cement section of Home Depot for what seemed like ten years trying to figure out which type of cement was best.
“How about this bag of cement?” I say pointing to a random bag with red writing on it. “Quick setting, that sounds good to me.” All I’m really thinking about is the half gallon of milk in the car. I have to say something otherwise he could spend hours in Home Depot comparing post diggers and trying to decide which company makes the best cement.
When my husband told me that fixing the fence was a two or possibly three day job, he was including one full day in Home Depot in his calculations. It turned out to be a two day job just because we had to wait for the cement to dry.
My husband makes sure things get done right and I make sure decisions are made so they can actually get done.
I’ve been doing yoga every morning for a few years now. I’ve only been to a yoga class once in my entire life and instead depend on You Tube videos for my yoga instruction, which probably means I’m doing it all wrong. I’m not very good at following instructions and when I can get things wrong I usually do.
Since we’ve gotten Chompyface, he’s made yoga a bit of a challenge. I get up in the morning and let him out. He usually only wants to be out for a few minutes in the morning. Any longer than that and he starts scratching the door.
After I let him back in, I start doing my yoga in the living room because everyone else in the house is still asleep. I tried doing yoga out in the yard once and the mosquitoes acted like they were at Golden Corral. They just kept coming back for more. Convinced I would be all shriveled and bloodless before finishing my practice, I retreated indoors.
I go into downward facing dog and my dog is sniffing my head and trying to bite my hair. I transition into upward facing down and am greeted with a wet nose in my face. I sit down and prepare for table top pose and he sits down on the mat directly behind me making it difficult to get into any pose.
What is it about a yoga mat that makes Chompyface want to lay down on it? Maybe he has a future as a yoga teacher. He already has down dog and up dog down. He does them every time he gets up from a nap. I don’t know what the posture he gets into to lick his butt hole is called, but it looks pretty advanced.
I think I’ll get him some yoga pants and a mat of his own and send him off to a yoga teacher training class. Since he likes to get up early anyway, I figure he can start teaching a sunrise yoga class. He needs to earn his keep, so it’s about time he get a job. Dog food is expensive.
The thing about getting a new camera is that you actually have to learn how to use it. That’s especially true when my husband is involved. I hate reading manuals. I’m a trial and error kind of gal. I just push all the buttons and hope for the best.
The problem is sometimes that method does more harm than good. It’s a shame when you break something before you even really get to use it. That’s what happened with the little food processor I bought a few weeks ago. To be fair it was from the thrift store and only set me back 2 bucks, but I was hoping it would last more than one use.
When you’re making falafel for a ravenous bunch of cavemen who eat piles of food (my family) you need to make quite a lot. You need to make a lot more than a cute little food processor can handle.
That’s fine. I thought I could just process multiple batches, but there comes a point when the whole multiple batches thing gets old and you just want to get it over with. That’s why I ended up overfilling it.
As I crammed the chickpeas into it I knew what I was doing was not a good idea. I just needed to go out and get a real food processor. I persisted though and as I turned on that small, cute, innocence food processor one last time it squealed in pain. The blade did a few weak rotations and ground to a halt.
It was over. Even when emptied it wouldn’t spin. I’d only had it for two hours and I’d already killed it. I quietly washed it out and stored it in the cupboard hoping that after a brief rest it would revive itself. I just checked and it hasn’t.
A similar thing happened with the blender when I tried to make falafel last month. Maybe it’s a sign.
I was planning on making falafel next week. Since I still haven’t gotten a food processor and I love using the wrong tool for the job I was thinking about using the new camera to mash up the chickpeas this time. That should work. I mean it wouldn’t hurt, right?
November is half over and I’ve given up on trying to grow a mustache for Movember. It just wasn’t working out. The hair follicles on my upper lip are lazy.
When I mentioned this to my husband, he was quick to say that he’d grow a mustache this month. That’s not what I wanted to start at all. He tried to grow a mustache for Movember several years ago and all he ended up with a bunch of sharp, clear, polar-bear-style hairs protruding from his face. It was like being hit with a hairbrush every time he tried to kiss me. We’re not doing that again.
I thought that instead of growing a mustache he might be interested in this:
Nothing says I care about men’s health like a red, white, and blue temporary mustache tattoo. He could wear it to his next gig. No one will notice. I mean seriously, when was the last time you noticed the bass player in a band? Never.
I think I might get him a temporary turkey tattoo to put on his back too. It is almost Thanksgiving after all.
This weekend has proved, yet again that my fear of the weather is completely justified. Storms sure are getting bigger and more destructive. As someone who lives in an area that is vulnerable to hurricanes, I sympathize with people who have experienced the destruction Mother Nature can unleash. In reality, it could happen here anytime. Sobering, isn’t it?
The devastation in the Philippines is truly shocking, so instead of my usual silly post, I’m asking that you donate what you can to the relief effort. Here are two links you can send donations to:
Photo by mansunides